Monday, August 15, 2016

In Memoriam: Boy the Cat

Hi again.

Do you still remember the cat, black and white, angora, that I post a lot in this blog?

Yep, he's Boy Sitampan. The cat that I have always loved, remembered, and will always be dearly missed.

It has been 7 months since the last time I touched his fluffy fur, hug his fat belly, heard his soft meows, and saw his round yellow eyes.

Boy has gone. He's now happy up there. Yea. He told me so as he visited me once in my dream.

And how could I ever be so in love with a cat--you asked?

Because he's a very nice cat. 

You might not know it but he felt me the way I was. He was there when I cried. He put his paw to my cheek and just sat/slept next to me and let out his purrs that calmed me down. He understood me. One time when I was alone at home, I told him not to go out. He stayed. Another time when I was alone again at home and he needed to poo (he never liked to poo in the poo poo box. He always went outside), I begged him to not be long out there. Guess what, he returned exactly in no time.

Ah yea. When I was cooking in the kitchen and he always waited for me to finish cooking (before he took a food test on my cooking). When I was scared to sleep alone and I took him to my bedroom and he just rolled and slept next to me. When I called out his name and he ran to me. When I was sick and needed to have some bed rest and he had always been there. And his quick response whenever I said "susu" (milk). He just ran towards me and begged for real bowls of milk. Oh, he loved bear brand milk a lot he could finish two cans of it in a day.

He's just so special.
He's not a cat. He's a family member to me.

Boy as he curled up with me when I was sick.

The cat that demanded for milk so much.

His number one ability was to be lazy during the day and the night.

But how could I be so clueless when he was sick? He was so sick that he needed me to go home and saw him, pet him, just be with him like he had always done to me. And at that moment, I chose to be else where. I was thinking that it was for my future good. But not for his...

Mum told me as I was home that Boy meowed a lot as if he looked for me. He waited before the door, hoped that I would open the door and pour some milk to his bowl. I bet he expected me to give him food with my hand, he always liked that. He wanted me to see me, before he finally....


Percaya deh, kakak kangen banget sama Boy.
Kepengen lagi main sama Boy.
Mandiin Boy. Elus elus Boy. Suapin Boy.
Boy. Boyot. Boyopi. Boyoyo.
Apapun nama yang kakak panggil buat kamu,
Artinya cuma satu, Boy.
Kakak sayang sama Boyot.
Boy bukan kucing, Boy itu keluarga.

Terima kasih atas segalanya.
Maafin kakak ngga bisa ngeliat Boy.
Kita ketemu lagi ya Boy.
Nanti, di surganya Allah.

Things Will Never Be The Same Again

It has been quite a long time for me to catch up on things and write again. I have been fed up with many things, they said that this is adulthood--facing something real. Like paying the credit card bills, paying your own rent, buying your own meals, working your a** off in order to pay the bills, the rent, and the food.

Well... the thing is, since May 2016 things won't be the same again. I am engaged. To a man who rarely ever be romantic to me. To a man who has never given me a damn real rose. To a man I have been dating with for the past three years.

My Dear God,
Make my choice is Your choice too.

It's been quite a while. Me and him had so much to go through until we finally ended up engaged. It wasn't full of happy moment with cheers and laugh. It wasn't all that sad cry-baby moments as well. We've gone through it. We made it. Until what we are now.

I admit it that he only does romantic at the very first of our date. I know that he never buys me single lovely red rose that every girl wishes and would keep until the petals are dried. I asked for a rose. Yet he has never intended to buy it for me, I think. He also barely ever holds my hand in public. No such thing is public displayed affection in his dictionary while he dates me. He didn't surprise me on my birthdays, he never gives me a cute-wrapped gifts to impress me. He doesn't call me love, or honey, or baby, or sweety, or any other sweet calls to bae.

I thought I needed those.

I thought I needed a rose, I thought I needed gifts wrapped with pink ribbons.

I never thought I would ever be needed his guidance. Moreover, his acceptance---

--of me. His acceptance of me. Me being me. I being who I am.

How could I ever be so selfish that after all this time I didn't realise what he has given me...?

He doesn't give me rose. But he pays meal for two. He doesn't give me cute-wrapped present in pink ribbon. He helped me to buy something I really want, instead. He doesn't do romance, but he thinks so much of my safety. He said I must not go home late. Girls aren't made to out at night, he said. Or that time when he visited me only to fix my motorcycle issues. That moment when he said my suit wasn't right for me, boys will think of me the other way if I had been in that suit. And when he was mad when I told him that I argued with some boys on the way home just because they didn't drive well. He was afraid if something ever happened to me. I mean, they were boys, and I'm just a girl.

Yes, he doesn't allow me to post something like all cute couples do on instagram, twitter, path, or any other social medias--you name it. "But why?" I asked him more than once. "Adults are not the way you think of. There are more real things to think of. Meaning, there are thing that is OK to share with people and there are things otherwise. And affection are for ourselves, nor for the world to watch.", he told me.

I asked him for surprises like lots of time. He never did give me once. But he has always been the number one person who wish on my birthdays. He would text me like every time to assure that I am getting well if I'm sick. He would text my mum to pick me up in kost (we live apart, Jakarta vs Tangerang) and take me to the hospital if I happen to be very sick and alone. He buys me some healthy drinks, only to make me feel better and warm...

Oh, how I have been busy with myself all along. I have been being a very demanding girlfriend so far. Yet he still can accept me.

Yes he does.

All those anger, all those don'ts, are for me. So I keep myself safe from any harm.

And I have never really thought of that.

My Dear God,
Bless us with Your love and cares.
Make us always falls in love over and over again. 
From now on, until our marriage.
From our marriage, until forever.
From forever, until You set us together again in Jannah.

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

Kalo Boleh Bercanda

Kalo boleh bercanda,

Tuhan pasti sedang geleng-geleng kepala ngeliat kelakuan gue. Mungkin Ybs lagi ngejitak gue saking keras kepalanya gue. Mungin Dia lagi ngedumel, "ni bocah udah Gue kasitauin ntar aja (atau gak bisa, atau bukan dia), masiiihh aja nangis nangis mewek minta mulu".

Yah, mungkin aja. Kalo boleh bercanda.

Dan kalo boleh bercanda,

Mungkin malaikat capek nulis di bukunya tentang nama yang gue sebut sebut mulu. Mungkin tadi pas gue berdoa dia nulis sambil ngebatin, "ah elah. Lu lagi lu lagi nama yang ni bocah sebut".

Kali aja sih. Kalo boleh bercanda.

Tapi mau gimana lagi. Gue sendiri bingung. Mau pasrah gitu aja tapi kok gimanaaa gitu rasanya. Soalnya Tuhan pernah janji katanya kalo minta sama Dia, akan dikabulin. Terus, doa itu bisa ngubah takdir. Jadilah gue dengan keras kepala dan keinginan gue berdoa dan minta mulu sama Tuhan.

Perjalanan emang panjang banget. Gak mulus. Banyak kerikil, jalan rusak, polisi tidur. Tapi itu semua gue jalanin. Terus jalanin. Walau kadang mikir, apa ini semua setimpal dengan apa yang bakal gue dapet di kemudian hari. Hmm. Dibilang gambling ya bukan, tapi dibilang bukan hasilnya ngga pasti juga. And at this point I am so afraid if the result would be anything disappointed.

Kalo boleh bercanda,

Tuhan mungkin lagi senyum senyum nantangin gue, apa gue bisa bertahan dalam perjalanan ini. Apa gue bisa tahan banting untuk sesuatu yang gue idamkan. Untuk menuju ke ujung terowongan dimana ada balon balon, pelangi, dan tulisan di awan yang bilang "Congratulations for passing the test!".

Kalo emang beneran,

Yaudah, gue ambil tantangan itu.
Tuhan pasti akan ngedengerin dan nepatin janjiNya, mengabulkan doa gue.

Kali ini bukan bercanda, karena gue yakin, Allah akan mengabulkan doa dan permohonan gue--if I try a lil bit harder. Which I will.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Why It's You?

Don't ask me why on earth I have loved you all my heart. I just knew it right when we were young and knew each other for the very first time. There ia something in you I realised that if I don't be with you I could suffer.

And even though I hate it when you're being angry too much, but I know you hate me every time I get jealous too much. I think that's quite a deal.

I don't care what people told you about you stuffed chubby cheeks cos I looovvveeee it so much. They look good on you and you have that kind of thing I can pinch for fun! ;D

I wish to God you could always stand by me, treat me well like I should, be a good company on my rough days, and carry me with you wherever you will go.

Sunday, November 29, 2015


It's quite some times I haven't been in touch with this random-thoughts-to-post on such blog. Work loads and everything apparently have successfully killed my leisure time (including time to write). My job now as a Commercial Loan Relationship Manager ruined my expectation of how working in a bank should be. Oh well, since I have officially sold my young-wild-free life to this bank, then I really need to work this a$$ off of 24 hours 7 days a week without any excuses. Like, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, I don't wanna put my mood down cos I wanna write some other big deal that can shift my life besides working.

Yeaaaaaa, you knooowwww... you guys know me soo weeeelllll....

Next January will be our third year. I have known this guy like forever. We've overcome times of the hardest, the most jealousy days. There was time when he gave me so much love that I was overwhelmed; nevertheless there was also time when he act so cold - I froze!

Yet, the rockiest part of our journey hasn't begun.

I believe there's gonna be a miraculous day that he with all his family pay a visit to my house - meet my parents, brothers, and my cats. It would not only be a casual family meeting but it will be extraordinary for my family (his had already done such family meeting four times for his elder brothers) for this one's gonna be my family's first time.

Ah, I can't wait to see what happens next... Will that be like those girls' post on social medias? Will I be overwhelmed by Allah's blessings? How it feels like? What would I do after that? What dress should I wear on the D day? Who should I invite? Is that okay to spread the word? When will the D day be? So many many many things hang on my mind even though the day's not yet to come.

Despite all that stuff, I wish to Allah he wont get distracted anymore. This is for our own sake, for everything we've gone through. For every reason we hang on to, and every struggle we beat.

I'm just ready for another shift in my life!

Dear Allah,
I have been so alone, please don't make me do a night without anyone by my side.
Let him be the one for me.
Let me be the only one for him.
And never have I lost my faith in You, Gusti Allah.