Things Will Never Be The Same Again

It has been quite a long time for me to catch up on things and write again. I have been fed up with many things, they said that this is adulthood--facing something real. Like paying the credit card bills, paying your own rent, buying your own meals, working your a** off in order to pay the bills, the rent, and the food.

Well... the thing is, since May 2016 things won't be the same again. I am engaged. To a man who rarely ever be romantic to me. To a man who has never given me a damn real rose. To a man I have been dating with for the past three years.

My Dear God,

Make my choice is Your choice too.

It's been quite a while. Me and him had so much to go through until we finally ended up engaged. It wasn't full of happy moment with cheers and laugh. It wasn't all that sad cry-baby moments as well. We've gone through it. We made it. Until what we are now.

I admit it that he only does romantic at the very first of our date. I know that he never buys me single lovely red rose that every girl wishes and would keep until the petals are dried. I asked for a rose. Yet he has never intended to buy it for me, I think. He also barely ever holds my hand in public. No such thing is public displayed affection in his dictionary while he dates me. He didn't surprise me on my birthdays, he never gives me a cute-wrapped gifts to impress me. He doesn't call me love, or honey, or baby, or sweety, or any other sweet calls to bae.

I thought I needed those.

I thought I needed a rose, I thought I needed gifts wrapped with pink ribbons.

I never thought I would ever be needed his guidance. Moreover, his acceptance---

--of me. His acceptance of me. Me being me. I being who I am.

How could I ever be so selfish that after all this time I didn't realise what he has given me...?

He doesn't give me rose. But he pays meal for two. He doesn't give me cute-wrapped present in pink ribbon. He helped me to buy something I really want, instead. He doesn't do romance, but he thinks so much of my safety. He said I must not go home late. Girls aren't made to out at night, he said. Or that time when he visited me only to fix my motorcycle issues. That moment when he said my suit wasn't right for me, boys will think of me the other way if I had been in that suit. And when he was mad when I told him that I argued with some boys on the way home just because they didn't drive well. He was afraid if something ever happened to me. I mean, they were boys, and I'm just a girl.

Yes, he doesn't allow me to post something like all cute couples do on instagram, twitter, path, or any other social medias--you name it. "But why?" I asked him more than once. "Adults are not the way you think of. There are more real things to think of. Meaning, there are thing that is OK to share with people and there are things otherwise. And affection are for ourselves, nor for the world to watch.", he told me.

I asked him for surprises like lots of time. He never did give me once. But he has always been the number one person who wish on my birthdays. He would text me like every time to assure that I am getting well if I'm sick. He would text my mum to pick me up in kost (we live apart, Jakarta vs Tangerang) and take me to the hospital if I happen to be very sick and alone. He buys me some healthy drinks, only to make me feel better and warm...

Oh, how I have been busy with myself all along. I have been being a very demanding girlfriend so far. Yet he still can accept me.

Yes he does.

All those anger, all those don'ts, are for me. So I keep myself safe from any harm.

And I have never really thought of that.

My Dear God,

Bless us with Your love and cares.

Make us always falls in love over and over again. 

From now on, until our marriage.

From our marriage, until forever.

From forever, until You set us together again in Jannah.

Kalo Boleh Bercanda

Kalo boleh bercanda,

Tuhan pasti sedang geleng-geleng kepala ngeliat kelakuan gue. Mungkin Ybs lagi ngejitak gue saking keras kepalanya gue. Mungin Dia lagi ngedumel, "ni bocah udah Gue kasitauin ntar aja (atau gak bisa, atau bukan dia), masiiihh aja nangis nangis mewek minta mulu".

Yah, mungkin aja. Kalo boleh bercanda.

Dan kalo boleh bercanda,

Mungkin malaikat capek nulis di bukunya tentang nama yang gue sebut sebut mulu. Mungkin tadi pas gue berdoa dia nulis sambil ngebatin, "ah elah. Lu lagi lu lagi nama yang ni bocah sebut".

Kali aja sih. Kalo boleh bercanda.

Tapi mau gimana lagi. Gue sendiri bingung. Mau pasrah gitu aja tapi kok gimanaaa gitu rasanya. Soalnya Tuhan pernah janji katanya kalo minta sama Dia, akan dikabulin. Terus, doa itu bisa ngubah takdir. Jadilah gue dengan keras kepala dan keinginan gue berdoa dan minta mulu sama Tuhan.

Perjalanan emang panjang banget. Gak mulus. Banyak kerikil, jalan rusak, polisi tidur. Tapi itu semua gue jalanin. Terus jalanin. Walau kadang mikir, apa ini semua setimpal dengan apa yang bakal gue dapet di kemudian hari. Hmm. Dibilang gambling ya bukan, tapi dibilang bukan hasilnya ngga pasti juga. And at this point I am so afraid if the result would be anything disappointed.

Kalo boleh bercanda,

Tuhan mungkin lagi senyum senyum nantangin gue, apa gue bisa bertahan dalam perjalanan ini. Apa gue bisa tahan banting untuk sesuatu yang gue idamkan. Untuk menuju ke ujung terowongan dimana ada balon balon, pelangi, dan tulisan di awan yang bilang "Congratulations for passing the test!".

Kalo emang beneran,

Yaudah, gue ambil tantangan itu.
Tuhan pasti akan ngedengerin dan nepatin janjiNya, mengabulkan doa gue.

Kali ini bukan bercanda, karena gue yakin, Allah akan mengabulkan doa dan permohonan gue--if I try a lil bit harder. Which I will.

SHIFT.

It's quite some times I haven't been in touch with this random-thoughts-to-post on such blog. Work loads and everything apparently have successfully killed my leisure time (including time to write). My job now as a Commercial Loan Relationship Manager ruined my expectation of how working in a bank should be. Oh well, since I have officially sold my young-wild-free life to this bank, then I really need to work this a$$ off of 24 hours 7 days a week without any excuses. Like, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, I don't wanna put my mood down cos I wanna write some other big deal that can shift my life besides working.

Yeaaaaaa, you knooowwww... you guys know me soo weeeelllll....

Next January will be our third year. I have known this guy like forever. We've overcome times of the hardest, the most jealousy days. There was time when he gave me so much love that I was overwhelmed; nevertheless there was also time when he act so cold - I froze!

Yet, the rockiest part of our journey hasn't begun.

I believe there's gonna be a miraculous day that he with all his family pay a visit to my house - meet my parents, brothers, and my cats. It would not only be a casual family meeting but it will be extraordinary for my family (his had already done such family meeting four times for his elder brothers) for this one's gonna be my family's first time.

Ah, I can't wait to see what happens next... Will that be like those girls' post on social medias? Will I be overwhelmed by Allah's blessings? How it feels like? What would I do after that? What dress should I wear on the D day? Who should I invite? Is that okay to spread the word? When will the D day be? So many many many things hang on my mind even though the day's not yet to come.

Despite all that stuff, I wish to Allah he wont get distracted anymore. This is for our own sake, for everything we've gone through. For every reason we hang on to, and every struggle we beat.

I'm just ready for another shift in my life!

Dear Allah,

I have been so alone, please don't make me do a night without anyone by my side.

Let him be the one for me.

Let me be the only one for him.

And never have I lost my faith in You, Gusti Allah.

Share a Little Share

Hi. Been a long while ya since the last time I posted a post. Kinda miss writing tho. Err, blogging, literally. And this time, I would like to share my newly-built career path.

Here it goes.

It all started when I was officially hired by an educational institution: Wall Street Institute -- which has already changed its name into Wall Street English -- as a Personal Tutor (PT). It is a school of English, and yes, as my job title was Personal Tutor, so I taught students starting from high school teens up to adults. I met unstable, moody kind of teens; charming uni student of Industrial Engineering (uuu~ I was so mesmerized by this person hehe); busy managers of well-known companies; one rempong housewife; and grandpas who always came with their grandchildren.

It was fun, and teaching was one of my favourite thing to do. Being a PT had marked one thing on my check list. I had a dream back then when I was so young, to be a teacher. I have been, then. It was a great one.

And talking about my PT fellas, there were Arien (married recently. When's mine? Duh), Ephil (who lived in Mexico for certain years and now works in Mexican Embassy), Oso (was -- or is still? hmm -- an artist of duo 'Duette'), Azis, Cenmi (whose full name is Cenmidtal, an abbreviation of Central Middlesex Hospital, a hospital in England where he was born), Dini (a cafe singer. Published her first indie album last year), and Tiffany (now still a PT for Alam Sutera branch). There were also ECs or Educational Consultants that I friends with, and of course the bule. Hehe.

Dean Rogers - Me - Tessa Frenche

Haifa - Arien - Me - David Rhys - Tanti - Azis on WSI Award Night

I was nominated as Favourite PT :'>

Great karaoke time together

Oso's birthday blast

After Christmas Celebration Night

Cos my job's got me goin nowhere so I aint got a thing to lose~

Take me to a place where I don't care

This is me and my liquor store blues~

Bruno Mars - Liquor Store Blues

Knowing that I had much fun there being a PT, but there was this goal that I pursued so much: be a banker. Yup, I was really longing  to be a banker. I resigned on February 2013, went to Yogya, visiting you-know-who for a month, got back to Bekasi on April and applied in Coca Cola Amatil Indonesia as Employee Settlement Officer, Finance Department.

There in CCAI was more serious than one I had in Wall Street Institute as my very first jumping stone. Both my director and manager were Australian bule, tho my supervisor was Indonesian. I was still urged to use English both when I talk directly or when I write emails to the bule. However, I found an interest in CCAI since I was paid big enough and its working culture was clicked to mine. Very free, yet still discipline. Everything was scored by performance. People there wouldn't mind how you dress or what make ups you're wearing. Or even what time would you get in the office and checked out as long as you have finished daily tasks. What they mind mostly was your highly accepted performance. That, I agreed.

CCAI has brought me to these people. Most of them are 2-3 years older than me and they shared mostly about their husband and other housewifery thingy. Just like my big sisters, that was what they meant to me.

Just  a moment to capture

Then I moved on from CCAI to where I work now. It's a bank, a government bank. Even -- frankly speaking -- CCAI changed the way I have always wanted to be a banker, but I had wanted it so much, and then I got the chance. That was when I joined BUMN Career Days, dropped cv reluctantly and attended the first interview held there, somehow brought me to what I am now. An ODP Batch 121 member who is undergoing my In Service Training as a Relationship Manager -- which I avoid so much!!! But I guess it's true that when you avoid something so much somehow you'll be dragged into that something you hate -- in SKC Melawai Raya.

Tell ya, being in ODP 121 family was is great. Ups and downs, laughter and cries, friends or lover, and everything all in. Can't describe much about this special thing, can only feel it with the heart. Heheh.

They're now spread out in Indonesia. One Padang, Batam, Jambi, Medan, Palembang, Lampung, ten people (including me) are in Jakarta, another one in Kupang, Samarinda, and Pare Pare. I'm sure we'll see again sooner than soon!

(hayooo... been waiting for the photos with your face in it yaaaa hahahaha :p)

Along with Pak Raswan, our homeroom

With Bu Selvy Monalisa, a lecturer in UI with her uniqueness

Grup Akar Wangi

Yogyakarta all-in-a-day trip goers

Mendadak shopping

Dim Sum freaks, haha

Thank you for your every effort to deal with all I am.

London Grammar - Strong

LONDON GRAMMAR - STRONG

(lyric video)

One Day, 
I'll be sitting on the front-left side of a car, looking at the city lights and everything goes on with it and everything that's on the road, through the window, while I listen to this song.

Neurons in my head are gonna take me back to some old memories, to some places where all things happened, at some points where I had been--I could never forget. They're gonna throw me back to that first meetings of me and him or me and him or me and him, and everything that came after it; all the sweetest things, all the sweetest nights; all the hurts, all the break-ups, and all the cries. They're also gonna put me back to where I was so damn down, to where I was at my lowest point when "we" was no longer existed.

The road, the lights, the cars, and the trees that I'm seeing through the car's window on that One Day, will show me those moments as if I'm watching live opera. Yes, a live opera. Starring: me. And him, and him, and him--in sequence. A live opera, audience: me. I'm gonna watch the opera until the song fades away.

And I'm gonna sigh at it, at first.

Yea I'm sure I'm gonna sigh of every memory playing over and over and over again.

But on that One Day, when I listen to this song while memories taking me back to some moments of my life, there's gonna be a chosen lucky man sitting next to me, on the right side of the car, driving. And I'm gonna smile at him.

I'm gonna smile at him, and at everything I've paid to get to him. He'll know how strong I have been, he'll know how loud I have spoken, and he'll understand how wrong I have been for having doubt that I might not be in love again after all the hurts.

I'm gonna be in love with him--and so is he. We'll pass the road together, we both will see moonlight underneath the dark sky, we will smile at every thing in our past, and perhaps we'll thank each of them who brought us to that One Day. And yes, we'll go to the same destination by the same road we choose.

On that One Day.


Till that One Day, I just gotta be strong.

Bandung: Perfect Memory Scenes (Narrative)

This narration was made in order to join a blog (bandungunite.blogspot.com--which, I found out recently was deleted) with any post about Bandung. Yea, so I made this. But this has never been published before. Once again, this one is a naration. So here it is!

Gue bukan orang Bandung. Ke Bandung pun jarang, bisa dihitung dalam setahun dan mungkin bisa kurang dari 5 kali dalam setahun itu untuk gue mengunjungi Bandung. Gue ga punya siapa-siapa di Bandung. Well, not that I don't have acquaintance or friends in Bandung, but... you know what I mean.

Gue ga tau jalan - jalan apa di Bandung; tempat - tempat hangout apa aja selain yang udah pernah gue denger dan gue datengin sebelumnya. Bahkan gue lupa sekarang, kemana aja tempat yang udah pernah gue datengin. Dan gue pun selalu berasumsi kalau Bandung itu sama aja sama kota Metropolitan ini. Kota macet, kota ramai. Kota dimana orang orang berusaha mencari peluang dengan membuka tempat tempat hangout yang menurutnya punya diferensiasi produk atau jasa dan posisi tersendiri di benak konsumennya. Kota yang mungkin sebentar lagi mungkin bakal banyak gedung gedung pencakar langit seperti disini. Simply, it's not a city to escape for me.

Tapi entah kenapa, gue selalu penasaran ke Bandung. Menelusuri jalan jalan yang dulu pernah kita lewatin. Datang ke tempat tempat yang waktu itu pernah kita datengin. Atau dengan singkat, mengenang semua yang pernah kita lalui.

Masih gue inget jalan jalan yang kita lalui, walau gue lupa apa nama jalannya. Gue juga inget waktu kita tersasar di Bandung, karena kita sama sama bukan berasal dari sana. Waktu kita naik angkot, lalu turun, makan di warung makan lesehan khas Sunda, dan kita baru tersadar kalau kita ga tau ada dimana kita saat itu. Lalu Kamu, dengan ke-sok-tau-an Kamu, bilang kalau kita harus naik angkot yang lain, dan tanpa bertanya sama kang supir, kita naik, dan setelah beberapa saat perjalanan kita masih juga ga tau kita ada dimana.

Waktu sudah sore saat kita tersasar itu. Dan bukannya berusaha bertanya - tanya jalan untuk pulang, Kamu malah mengajak gue untuk berwisata kuliner. Surabi, mie kocok, cimol... sampai - sampai tanpa pikir panjang kita beli peuyeum dengan alasan buat oleh - oleh dari Bandung.

And when the sunshine finally faded away, Kamu baru sadar kalau kita harus segera pulang. And you finally lowered your pride, lalu bertanya sama orang orang tentang jalan dan cara kita pulang. Yup, akhirnya kita naik angkot yang benar dan tanpa tersasar lagi, kita pulang.

The next day, you picked me up from my friend's flat where I stayed for that two memorable days. I wouldn't want to feel that my right ankle was actually in pain since the previous day we had, as we walked and walked and walked through the road. Anyway. Our agenda that day was to go to Ciampelas. Kita berjalan - jalan seperti biasa saat disana. Berhenti hanya untuk makan, duduk dan beristirahat sambil terus mengobrol tentang apa saja. Kita menertawakan orang lain. Kita ngerjain SPG di salah satu toko dengan menyuruhnya mengambil ini itu lalu dengan santainya kita pergi dan tidak membeli apa - apa. Kita mencoba pernak - pernik tapi kita juga tidak membelinya. Hahaha, Kamu. Selalu membuat gue tersenyum simpul saat scene - scene tentang kita disana terulang lagi di benak gue.

Cuma satu yang pada saat itu berhasil gue bawa pulang dalam bentuk nyata. Beberapa hasil photo booth. Dan dari semua hasil itu, cuma ada satu dimana Kamu tersenyum manis. Sisanya, muka Kamu jelek semua...

Yup. Hanya beberapa lembar foto berukuran 2R sebagai hasil nyata kalau gue sudah pergi ke Bandung. Bahkan peuyeum yang saat itu kita beli pun tertinggal di kost-an temen gue. Hahaha. Ya, hanya foto dan kenangan.

Kamu. Dan kenangan kita beberapa tahun lalu. Di Bandung. Dan hanya di Bandung. Kadang gue berharap, suatu saat nanti ketika gue melintasi kota Bandung dengan mobil gue, gue akan bertemu sama Kamu. Lalu (mungkin) mengajak Kamu duduk di bangku sebelah kiri gue. Lalu gue (mungkin) mengajak Kamu melintasi lagi jalan - jalan yang dulu pernah kita lalui dengan angkot. And then let the memory finds us.

Diantara semua keramaian di kota itu, selalu ada harapan yang gue keluarkan. Kamu.

Bandung itu Kamu. Ya, Kamu.

When you see me like this (see me like this)

And when I see you like that (see you like that)

Then we see what we want to see—all comin back to me 

The flesh and the fantasies—all comin back to me

I can barely recall, but it's all comin back to me now

Meatloaf ft. Marion Raven – It’s All Comin Back to Me Now

narrative story by @fanyhervilita

*damn, berasa kemakan tulisan sendiri. hanya saja bukan di Bandung. Tapi Jogjakarta. Bersama si dia, si Kapten. Kaliurang, Condongcatur, Pogung, Bantul, Kota Gede~~~* 

This Unsettled Settlement Officer

"I got a new job now on the unemployment line..."

Begitu deh, sepenggal lirik The Script (For the First Time) yang nyentil banget di kepala gue. Berasa disindir luar dalem.

Jadi gini. I had a job as a Personal Tutor in Wall Street Institute Indonesia, at Pondok Indah Mall. I spent three and half months there working in mall-hour shift. It was definitely awesome. I got a chance working with bule, made friends with my students no matter how young or old they were, gained new experience, proved my English proficiency, and yes, my dear reader, I got an amazing chance to obtain a working experience.

But then in February, I decided to resign. Yes, it was a hard decision. Gue pake nangis nangis bombay nelfon seseorang buat cerita soal beginian. Singkat cerita, resign lah gue dari perusahaan edukasi premium multinasional itu. Some said I was stupid, karena gue main resign resign aja gitu, padahal belum dapet pengganti kerjaan atau rencana lanjut studi S2. But I guess they were wrong.

Setelah Februari kan Maret, tho? (yaiyalah fan. ga mutu e) Nah, selama bulan Maret itulah gue dengan bangga menyandang status pengangguran yang gue bawa sampe ke Daerah Istimewa Yogyakarta selama hampir sebulan penuh. Ngapain gue disana? Hayooo kepoooo. Mau tau aja apa mau tau bangeeeeetttt??

Setengah puas nge-hedon ke Jogja, gue balik lagi ke Jakarta--eh Bekasi deng--dengan status pengangguran melarat. Dompet isinya cuma receipt receipt indomaret, mirota, superindo, super sambal, nota laundy, tiket kereta api pulang pergi, dan recehan. Eh by the way, laundry disana murah amir loh! Tiga rebu rupiah meeenn per kilo! Ter-hah-hah sambil melotot gue. Seumur-umur gak pernah gue ngelaundry dengan harga segitu. Bahkan ada juga loooh yang cuma dua rebu lima ratus! Err, oke ini norak.

So where was I again? Oh, yes.

Jadi itu adalah sebuah kejadian yang tak terduga. Somehow I would say it's the plan of God. Kalo katanya Paulo Coelho itu, "maktub". Ada teman sekampus gue bernama Fresnel (iya, si Best Student ituloh, yang pernah gue sebut juga di post gue) yang pada sore hari galau, nge-bbm gue nanyain nomer handphone salah satu dosen IBS. Gue kasih dong. Tapi nyambi. Sambil nanya apa di kantornya ada lowongan atau kagak buat pengangguran bergaya-Jakarta-tampang-Batak-mental-Gombong macem gue. Eeh tak disangka, doi malah nawarin posisi satu ini nih, Settlement Officer namanya.

Thanks a lot, Fres! :D

Setelah gue interview dan medical check-up, diterimalah gue officially sebagai si Settlement Officer ini. Biarpun cuma kawin kontrak--ngg maksudnya karyawan kontrak--but I guess it's gonna be worth it.

Dan inilah saya, Diofany Hervilita alias Fany alias kakak alias poni alias mak alias dugong yang akan menjadi seorang karyawan di perusahaan multinasional yang menjual minuman bersoda yang sudah terkenal dan merajalela yang harga sahamnya lumayan mahal. Segala impian gue menjadi seorang banker mungkin sudah harus disisihkan ya... ._.

Settlement Officer. Mudah-mudahan sesuai namanya hidup gue yang belum stabil bisa jadi settle. Jiwa gue settle, hati gue settle, keuangan gue settle. Aamiin. Walau mesti mengubur keinginan jadi banker tapi ya... kalo justru kerja begini bikin gue settle, yo wis lah.

By the way, by the time I have this post typed, my dad is currently hospitalised for kidney issue. Semoga beliau cepet sembuh. Dan semoga pintu rejeki terbuka lebar buat orang tua gue. Aamiin :')


I am trying my best to climb the ladder to settle down. Hope it's not slippery so I can reach the goal!


"Get get get in line and settle down... Get in line and settle down..."
No Doubt - Settle Down

Nyata II

dalam eratnya dekapanmu, aku ini bahagia, dan ingin menangis. siapa aku ini buatmu? seakan tak peduli soal itu, kita terus mendekap satu sama lain. Aku sangat ingin menangis, saat kamu memelukku erat. merasakan kulitmu yang menyentuh kulitku. menghirup baumu, sesaat kau bangun dari tidur siangmu. lelahkah kau, sayang? istirahatlah, aku disini. disampingmu. nyata. aku bukan fantasimu. kali ini. hari ini. entah dimana aku esok hari, tapi aku disini hari ini. nyata. dan dalam dekapanmu, hatiku pecah sedikit. bagaimana nanti? bagaimana esok hari? bagaimana saat aku kembali ke kotaku, meninggalkanmu, kembali menggantungkan rinduku akan kamu, dan kembali memfantasikan kamu. saat pipi kita bersentuhan, saat janggutmu dapat jelas kurasa di pipi kananku. lalu kapan? kapan dapat kurasa sensasi itu lagi? kamu yang selama ini hanya ada dalam otakku, kali ini, hari ini, kamu nyata. nyata. ini kupegang pipimu. kubelai rambutmu. kuhirup wangimu. kudekap erat tubuhmu. sayangku, kenapa kita begini?

Jawaban dari segala doa: Nyata.

Satu, Dua, Tiga

Hatinya sakit.

Malam itu kala hujan, ia menangis. Menangis. Meringkuk. Bersujud. Terlentang. Terlungkup. Menangis. Samar-samar suaranya. Dalam diam, ia pun berteriak.

Lalu dia tersenyum. Bicara rindu pada udara, menatap penuh langit-langit jingga di kamarnya. Berharap udara akan menghantarkan rindu bodohnya kepada orang itu. Disana. Jauh disana. Yang entah sedang apa. Atau merasakan apa untuknya. Ah, sudahlah.

Rindu yang kalap. Dia adalah pecandu rindu yang bodoh.

Pelukmu, candu untukku. Tubuhmu, rindu terbesarku. Bersamamu, khayalan tertinggiku. | Bidadari Rejected (@adelladellaide)

Dia itu bodoh.

Petir menjadi gelegaran tawa yang ia sangat rindu. Rintik hujan seperti suara nafas yang terhembus jelas di microphone ear-set, yang kala itu ia dengar hampir tiap malam. Udara dingin kala itu, bagai fantasi tatkala pria itu memeluknya. Mencium jauh pipinya, dari seberang sana. Dan hembusan lembut angin hujan, bagai suara manja yang sering ia dengar dari telepon. Bodoh, ia gadis bodoh.

Baginya, dia adalah jawaban segala doa.

Tersenyum, lalu air mata itu terjatuh. Satu, dua, tiga.

Kenapa harus dia?

Yeah for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll tryI'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleedingIf that'll make you mine

Bruno Mars - It Will Rain 

Tapi apa? Dia melangkah pergi, meninggalkan dia terlungkup, terjatuh, tersungkur... sendiri. 

Damn You

again,

to afraid to start.

to scared to fall. 

to hurt to be broken.

that's how I do. 

that's about you.

I could lose you, 

though I don't want to.

but that's how I do, 

though I could lose you.

and if I already am,

if I already lose you,

please tell me,

tell me,

tell me what this feeling is about.

cos I miss you.

through the night I think of you.

and the day I wish I had chats with you.

all the moments with you.

and the virtual insanity.

and the songs.

and your singing.

and your morning calls.

and the spirit.

damn you.

I miss you.

Letter to Mum and Dad

Dear lovable Mum and Dad,

Your first and only daughter has now no longer your little daughter.

Now she knows how to earn money. She's still in her learning process, but trust her, she will be able to live herself to the fullest in another year. And it all thanks a lot to you, Mum and Dad, you made her through phases of her life.

Mum, Dad,

Even though she lives far from you now, deep in heart there's always a picture of you both. Deep in her thoughts she keeps on thinking how to make your life happy. Especially you, Mum. She always wants her mum to be happier than she has ever been.

Mum,

Your daughter often think that she would be independently independent. But you already knew, right? You already knew whom she will call if she gets into a situation. Your prayer will always be with your independent daughter. Mum, she knows it, she won't be ever independent. Cos she always depends on your prayer. Mum, she knows it. You will always pray for her.

Dad,

This little daughter of yours, who used to always rub your rough elbow (this is the weird thing you love about her, isn't it? That she loves rubbing elbow, especially yours, just like a child who can't sleep without her favourite doll), well... no, she's not rubbing other man's elbow yet, no. But you know what, she's been trying to find a man who would like to give his rough elbow for her to rub. Just like what you did when she was a child, Dad.

Mum and Dad,

She realizes that you would do anything to help her with anything. You would help her to reach her dream job being a banker, though she turns up being a tutor. She also knows about how you don't really like her being a tutor. Well don't worry. She won't be a tutor for that long. She'll be a banker later on.

Mum,

Your daughter has made you as her favourite woman ever in the world.

Mum, Dad,

Your daughter loves you.

Your Daughter,

fanyhervilita

I wasn't Cinderella and He wasn't the Prince Either.

Actually, I have this situation that I really wanted to write post here. Somehow it was always hard to find the match between my mood and the right moment that I'll be sitting in front of PC or laptop and let these thoughts translated into paragraphs. So now's the right time, here we go then!

Have you ever imagined--or maybe experienced--a movie scene that would happen to you in reality? A movie scene that takes place in a party or a gala dinner, for example. There, the main actress meets the main actor, they say hi eventually, chat a little bit of cheesy chit chat, then look at each other from a distance even in the same place. When the party is over, they figure out that they don't know each other's names yet, so they will eventually introduce themselves in a unique way. Have you? Cause I have.

I met this man one day in an international event held in Jakarta couple months ago. He lived in Jakarta but he studied somewhere out Jakarta. He was the guest committee of the event. The first place we met actually was in an outdoor occasion from the same event. He wasn't a cute guy or something. But he was funny; he made lots of jokes. We didn't introduce ourselves pretty well that day. He perhaps would forgotten my name since he met lots of new people--especially girls that are way cuter than me--so it was really okay for me if he might forget or something.

After the outdoor occasion, we had this gala dinner at a restaurant. There, we met again. I was there with two of my guy friends too as I saw him on the escalator, went down, while I and my friends were about to go upstairs. I didn't know for sure but I think he was stunned seeing me. LOL. Yea, sure we said hi. He was a friendly guy, you gotta know that.

During the Gala Dinner, we weren't actually talking to each other that much. We sure smiled but it was just a simple small which was hard to notice. At some awkward moments I found myself looking for his presence, and would look away whenever I found him glancing at me. I would be embarrassed, and perhaps would strengthen the pink sheer colour on my cheek, as I did the stuff. The stuff of looking for his presence and the look-away-quickly as he glanced at me.

After two hours, the Gala Dinner finally wrapped up. I was thinking that I could be the Cinderella and leaving my heel shoe away and he might be the Prince Charming realising my shoe was left and he eventually would bring that to me again some days later. But I wasn't Cinderella and he wasn't the Prince either. And if I did leave my shoe away, what would I wear, then? Moreover, people would look at me as if I was a clown or something weird and pathetic. And he wouldn't take my shoe and find the girl who fit in it. AND if he did, though, mine was 39 and many girls would fit 39. Logically, leaving my shoe, like Cinderella did, is not an intellectual act.

But I did leave something. And it was my name.

"Going home now?" He said as I walked to the front door.
"Yea, the show's over and it's already night. Everybody needs a rest," I said, and smiled.
"You don't want a picture with me?"
"Hahaha, what for? It wouldn't favoured me that much. Perhaps it's YOU want a picture with me?"
"Hahaha naah, it's YOU." He said.

We had a little bit of awkward seconds until somebody I knew was walking to me and I said hi to him, and had a small talks with him. He, this funny and friendly man (let's name him with the letter P), still beside me waiting for me and my acquaintance finished talking.

"Hey umm... are you on Facebook?" P asked.
"Everybody's on Facebook, I suppose." and giggled.
"So umm... please? Your name?"
"You forgot???" I asked, falsely. I mean, I already knew he'd forget.
"No, no, no I don't. I just need your full name so I can find you on Facebook, hehe." I have no idea if this was true but, I didn't care. I can already guessed.
"So what's my name?" I kinda forced him.

And a friend came to me again. Oh man, THAT was obviously a situation I wish nobody would be an intruder or something! Can't they see the privacy atmosphere there?! Geez. Anyway. While I talked to my friend, P took my Certificate of Participation that was held on my hand. He grab his phone (unfortunately it wasn't a blackberry. If it had been a BB, he'd have asked me my pin, not my Facebook name. Mehehe) and typed my full name as printed on the certificate.

"What are you doing?" I asked him as I finished talking to my intruder-friend.
"Typing down your name so I can find you on Facebook and add you," he said, handed me my certificate back, and smiled happily, "as a friend."
I smiled back.
"Diofany Hervilita," he mentioned my name. "nice name."
I giggled. "Thank you. Add me on Facebook."
"Oh sure. Yea, of course."
"So umm... I'm going home now. My friends there waiting for me," I was intended to point at my two guys but it was only one who could be seen from our standing angle.
"You're with him?"
"Them, actually. They're my junior at campus. They're participating too, with me."
"Oh. OK." he smiled. "Take care, then!"
I nodded. "Bye."
He rose his hand and gave me an air high-five plus a big smile.

On the way home I kept on reminiscing what was just happened in that recent hours. Now it's months away and I haven't had any hearing from him. But that remarkable situation, well, it finally has its point: a story. A memory. A blog post (yea, of course, come up last eventually).

Don't hide it. We live in God's scenario and we live it in dramatical way. There are dramas that we made, conciously or unconciously. Those who said hate the living drama, really got to live.

I love this little drama we had :)

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but here's my full name

so add me maybe

Fascinating is Talking About...

TRAUMA.

I'll tell you more about it.

According to the Oxford Pocket Dictionary, I found out that trauma (n) is an emotional shock producing a lasting harmful effect. A small example of trauma, say... umm... suppose you went to a place by plane and you got some air crash and therefore had made you afraid of taking another air transprotation since then. You kinda have that feeling of scared that the same tragedy will eventually happened to you again. In order to avoid that, you would reject anything--ANYTHING--related to a plane trip.

It will probably the same, I think, if... you know... if I happen to have this tragedy some times ago, and that I will be scared of having the same elements on me again in some times later. Okay, enough with this merry-go-round talks. I'll just get to the point.

I had this bitter mishap a year earlier, actually. There was when I got dumped (yup, you read that correctly. Me, got dumped) by a... umm how should I say this guy... well I'll just say that I got dumped by this guy I had already known like couple months. We weren't actually dating but, I  could say that we were so close to each other and we shared something. I even trust my very sad secret to him.

We got along very well. There wasn't a day we didn't spend talking, even if we barely even met. He helped me a lot. Helped me on things I need. Helped me on my big project, even he could help me on small things by simply listening to every guts I had. And calmed me down. He flew me to the top with every little emotional words, surprises, acts...

See who's reminiscing about the past now *pointing at myself*

And then there was this shock that I found out something unbearable about him. It's him and her. Yeaaaahhhh. You got what I mean. Days before I figured out this trouble, I came through a phase where all those normal turned to be something awkward. Thank God for this premonition gifted to me and some clues, I figured it out. Hahaha, yea, tell me nothing about how I felt miserable that time.

So this is it. This is what I called as trauma. I never had any trauma on anything but this. I know the pain, I feel the ache, I taste the sour. I just can't go through it anymore no matter what. I can't deal with it.

That is why when I had this bad premonition about you, Sir, and that God gave me clues on you, and I found this new-girl stuff... her name, her face, her study major... I knew. I just knew and I can't deal with it. I know, I am sure I know, about how I've been acting stink (like sour milk all on the floor, it's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator, maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold~*) to you and that you think that I misunderstand about all of these but I am sure I'm not. I didn't mean to scare you with my 'roars' but... sigh... I couldn't help myself on this, dude.

You had been acting awkward and weird days before I really realised this. And still, without any talks from you, I already knew. I got dumped again.

I cannot be hurt by the old school tragedy like this. I'd rather quit and let you think about anything you wanna think about my behaviour that crosses your mind. I don't wanna be hurt anymore, okay. I cannot be hurt again. And since we haven't met yet, I just don't want you to be the one breaks my heart even more than this. I mean, you broke it. I just... can't get it even worse.

I know I'm escaping things I should face. But I'm doing this to rescue myself. Probably to rescue your new sparkling relationship with her. Don't worry dude, I'll get used to it. :)

And if I ever be mistaken on this prejudice, please don't be scared telling me the truth. I won't bite you. And I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. Again.

Cos I ain't that bubble gum.

James Morrison featuring Nelly Furtado - Broken Strings

*Lyrics taken by Gwen Stefani's Sweet Escape

itu saja dan cukup

suatu kisah yang sudah terlupakan bagaimana mulanya, dan tidak tahu bagaimana akhirnya. mengambang, terbang terbawa angin, terjun bersama air. ah entahlah.

entahlah. yang aku tau... ah, aku bahkan tidak tahu menahu tentang sekarang. perasaan itu lari beriringan dengan waktu. dekat, dekat, dan dekat walau sadar betapa jauhnya jarak saat itu. terus bicara. membicarakan tentang apa saja.

lalu sudah. kedekatan kita menua. kita bahkan belum pernah bertemu sapa. bosankah? tentu saja. aku mengerti, sayang, aku mengerti. tidak apa. aku ikhlas. apapun asal kau senang. asal kau bahagia.

mungkin hati sudah terbiasa. ini adalah kisah yang berulang, sudah dapat ditebak. dan saat seperti sekarang ini... sudah terasa bagaimana suasananya. semacam deja vu. aku sudah pernah di posisi ini. terulang lagi. dengan perasaan yang sama.

aku ingin sekali menyayangimu, tanpa jarak dan waktu, tanpa ragu, tanpa masa lalu. itu saja. dan cukup.

Diam-Diam

Diam-diam, aku memikirkanmu.
Aku bernyanyi lagu kesukaanmu.
Mengenang indahnya memori yang hingga kini selalu kamu beri.
Mencoba telinga ini untuk mendengar suaramu lagi.

Jangan kira kalau aku tak bicara maka aku tak peduli.
Kamu tau permainan itu.
Kamu pilotnya, kan.
Kalau kamu bawa aku terbang, bawalah.
Aku terbang bersama kamu.
Kalau kamu diam dan berhenti, istirahatlah.
Aku diam dan pasti akan selalu mengingat kamu.

Aku tidak tau kita sedang berada di titik apa.
Aku tidak tau harus berbuat apa.
Yakin, kamupun juga tak tau harus bagaimana.
Tapi diam-diam kita tau kenapa.

Diam-diam, aku mengingatmu.
Di kepalaku terngiang suaramu.
Lalu aku bernyanyi bersama kamu.
Suara kamu yang terekam didalam situ.

Karena diam-diam, aku merindukanmu...

Sweet Dream, Dreamer!

"Everyone needs to have a dream."
"Dream Big."
"Dream, dreamer!"

So what is your dream?

If you're asking that, I will not elaborate my dream becoming a superstar nor becoming one of ten most inspiring women in the world (just like Sri Mulyani) nor becoming a master chef. I just have this little... perhaps cheesy dream... that I continuously dream on. You know it's just happened. Through my head, my mind and I have not enough strength to overcome it. Perhaps that's just the way I want.

And yes, talking about having a dream...

I would like to be a superstar... in my own workfield. I might be a banker, as I planned, and I want me to be a star in my work place. I know my ability and capability, so I want me to shine there. And even if I happen to quit my job later on (I just know it's gonna happen someday), I wanna be a superstar doing a business. Perhaps... a restaurant-owner? A writer? Who knows. I just want to shine on what I'll be doing :)

I would like to be the inspiring woman... for my little future family. I wanna be the woman who strongly stand behind the man that's gonna be my imam, support him on his career, his work, his dream... be there whenever he needs me and just... be the woman he needs. I wanna be this woman whose kids adore her like she's the idol. To nurture, to care, and to give her kids all the love she got. To raise the kids with her (future) husband. Sounds like a fairy tale and I know nothing's going perfect but we write story of happiness, don't we? :)

And I would like to be the chef master... in my own kitchen. I am going to cook my husband and kids a breakfast every morning. Greet my kids after school with a perfect lunch. And cook dinner for my little family that will make them miss my dinner if they're away. I want to deliver my love with my cooking. Wouldn't be as equal as my mother-in-law, the taste of my cooking, but at least I give the same love in it. Seems delicious as I wish it will :)

Yea yea, I just have to find out who will taste all my cooking later and to make the story together. And yes I know, I'm becoming somebody who is mushy or sloppy or even weak, but I really love to dream this sweet dream.

I'm going to pursue it. I'm going to be with someone who'd like to share our dream.
Insya Allah, aamiin. :')

Cooking Pasta: A Professional Amateur

Hello! I am so excited today.
I am supposed to just lay on my bed an thinking to be healthy again as soon as possible because I will have this final-of-all test before I finally have my Sarjana Ekonomi (S.E.) behind my name, however, I was so hungry and my mum wasn't home so I deciced to look over the kitchen and see what to cook.

I found a pack of macaroni and a half pack of spaghetti. And I know what to turn them into: Macaroni Schotel and Spaghetti Aglio Olio.

So I will elaborate you how I cook my Stuffed Spaghetti Aglio Olio (that's how I name my cooking, Stuffed Spaghetti Aglio Olio).

Oia, karena gue bukan seorang yang sangat profesional di dapur, jadi jangan marah kalo gue menulis jumlah bumbu dapur yang dipake dengan "sedikit aja" atau "secukupnya" atau bahkan "seikhlasnya".

Pertama, lo butuh:
1 pak spaghetti (bisa mudah dibeli di supermarket)
2 siung bawang putih (diulek atau diiris tipis tipis)
Bawang bombay (potong dadu, sedikit aja)
Pala bubuk
Lada bubuk
Garam
Olive oil atau minyak zaitun (dibeli di supermarket atau hypermarket. jujur aja, harganya mahal -.-)
Smoked beef (bisa diganti sama daging cincang)
Jamur
Basil dan oregano (ada di supermarket)
Keju

Caranya:
1.Panasin air di panci yang agak besar (atau tinggi) untuk memasak spaghetti. Tambahin garam kedalam spaghetti yang lagi dimasak.

2. Siapin pan untuk menggoreng saus zaitun. Panasin pan. Masukin 4-5 sendok makan minyak zaitun (tergantung banyaknya spaghetti yang mau dibikin. karena gue cuma masak setengah, makanya 4-5 sendok makan penuh minyak zaitun udah cukup) dan masukin bawang putih dan bawang bombay yang udah diolah. Apinya medium-low yaa, jangan maksimal.

3. Potong memanjang smoked beef (atau dadu juga boleh), cuci jamur dengan air panas, tiriskan. (p.s.: di supermarket ada jamur yang udah siap masak, tinggal dicuci air panas terus langsung diolah, ga perlu dipotong-potong.)

4. Masukin potongan smoked beef dan jamur ke dalam pan, aduk. Tambah garam, lada, dan pala bubuk secukupnya. Aduk dengan api kecil, jangan sampai bawangnya gosong.

5. Setelah spaghettinya masak, tiriskan. Matikan juga pan yang berisi minyak zaitun.

6. Biar mudah saat mengaduk spaghetti dengan saus zaitun, masukan spaghetti ke dalam pan yang berisi minyak zaitun. Tambahkan oregano dan basil, aduk.

7. Siapkan piring, sajikan spaghetti yang telah diaduk dengan taburan keju parut diatasnya.

8. Stuffed Spaghetti Aglio Olio siap dihidangkan. :9

So there there my Stuffed Aglio Olio Recipe. I know it doesn't sound so Italy. The truth is I found this recipe without any smoked beef nor mushroom, but I made it myself to be more stuffed hehe.

Don't Trust All The Sentences in Italic

I was so wrong for letting myself dream high about us. I end up nothing but pieces of hopes like I knew I would. Yea, I knew I'd end up like this but I kept on and on and on dreaming about the sweetest probability of you and I.

30 minutes earlier I was thinking of building a peaceful home with you. Have kids. Raise a wonderful family. Share dreams and wills. You know, that sort of dream. But the next 30 minutes later you slap me with the fact that... I just mean nothing for you after all this time.

Oh no worries. I am used to a heart that's aching. I am used to swallow bitterness of fact. Yea sure, please. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm fine. I'm strong I can feel muscles here inside my soul.

Look at me. I'm smiling, right? ☺

You've been acting so cold and I couldn't understand what happened. You probably already get bored of this--of me, I get it. Or perhaps you already find another prettier than me with some delightful chats between you, that's so ok. Err... maybe you get back to your ex that you've been longing so bad. Oh that's fine with me. Seriously.

Stare at me. There are no tears, right? ☺

♫ I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose♫ Fire away, fire away

So... Wait, sorry I need to take a deep breath first.

*inhale*
*exhale*

So... Thank you. Very much. If there's any word best replaced Thank You Very Much I would use it and send it to you as my regards. Thanks. For the past months you had been so generous to me. On my birthday, my downs, my thesis, my stories, my ups... gave me stupid things I asked. Well I'm sorry for bothering you, though, but I'm so thankful. Thank you thank you thank you. I can't be thank you enough.

Hey, relax. My knees can hold me up still, I'm not shaking. ☺

This is for the second time I've been posting such message to somebody like you, who had beed very very very very nice to me:
Be good. Go get your dream, I know you can. Finish your school stuff, take scholarship, fly across Indonesia and perhaps you may see me there in that nation you wish to visit.
Keep the faith to Allah, don't let anything ruins your faith. And thank you. For the good advise and everything. Thank you.

♫ You shoot me down, but I won't fall♫ I am titanium...

What? No, of course not. I'm not pale and I don't feel like getting migraine. ☺

There's only one thing we should realize. We've been too good--way too good--we forget we haven't met each other yet. Or perhaps we remember but pay less attention to it. Actually I pay a lot attention about it but... *sigh* forget it. (♫ I just haven't met you yet.)
*giggle*

I'm perhaps made of titanium. I don't know. I feel like I'm too strong for this. And if you can see my heart, it has strong muscles. ☺

♫ Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

credits
Titanium - David Guetta feat. Sia
Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble 

Oh-So-Me Songs

Michael Buble - Haven't Met You Yet

there are songs that are really got into some people's life stories.

just like his song above, Haven't Met You Yet.

or perhaps this song below, I Knew I Loved You.

though being in love would be a little too fast to judge.

yea I really think you and I should really meet up someday.

you shouldn't be mind about it.

afterall, we've been really good.

;)

Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You

poppysmic

satu kalimat lagi yang tak terungkap.
maunya hati berkata ini itu, lisan tak terucap.
otak rasanya kusut, tak tahan dengan keinginan yg meluap.

bodoh.
bodoh.
yang dimau hanya satu, bagaimana mungkin sulit diucap?
bahkan untuk memilah kata--ah!

semuanya berkerubung di kepala.
berisik rasanya dengan suara entah dari mana bergerumung di telinga.
mencelos asa di hati.
letih, letih sendiri.

maunya aku ya kamu.
kamu yang disitu.
yang saat aku sedih kamu menghiburku.
saat aku jatuh kamu mendukungku.
dan saat aku susah kamu mendoakanku.

aku hanya mau kamu.
butuh berbagi denganmu.
mm, rasanya aku rindu kamu.

hey, semoga kamu sehat dan diberi kelancaran di semua urusanmu.