Carry On

Selamat malam.

Apa kabar kamu hari ini? Lelah dengan kesibukanmu? Santai sajalah dulu. Tak usah kamu pikirkan segala yang membuat kepalamu sakit malam ini. Santailah santai, karena aku sudah lelah merindu, aku ingin bercerita denganmu.

Karena aku sedang rindu. Ada yang merongrong dari dalam kepalaku untuk memikirkan kamu. Saat dimana satu lagu membawa aku kembali ke masa itu. Saat satu objek melayangkan aku pada sesuatu tentang kamu. Saat suatu tindakan membuat laci memoriku terbuka, jatuh, dan itu semua tentang kamu. Ah... kenangan itu...

Dia bilang, "seperti isyarat yang tak sempat dikirimkan awan kepada hujan, yang menjadikannya tiada". Seperti aku, mungkin, yang tak sempat mengirimkanmu semangat, yang menjadikan aku hilang dari kamu. Seperti aku, yang bingung bagaimana caranya membalas segala kebaikanmu, hingga akhirnya aku gagal membalas secuilpun. Seperti aku, yang inginnya menyampaikan polesan benda cantik, namun berantakan sesampainya padamu. Lalu siapa yang salah, bila semuanya tak tersampaikan? Mungkin itu aku.

Hey, bagaimana dengan hobi kamu? Aku yakin kamu masih menggeluti itu semua. Ya, aku tau--atau aku sok tau?--betapa asyiknya kamu menggeluti hobimu. Kelak kamu akan meraih itu, kamu tau itu.

Kamu tau, pekerjaanku ini menyenangkan, sekaligus melelahkan; memakan banyak dari waktuku. Aku berangkat di pagi hari, pulang di malam hari. Bukan seperti jam kerja yang kamu kira, ini berbeda. Dan aku pun batal menjadi pekerja yang kamu tau, aku telah mengimpi-impikannya dari dulu.

Tapi aku tau, pun bila aku senggang, kita tak kan lagi seperti dulu. Ya, aku mengerti. Aku mengerti. Tapi malam ini, hanya malam ini, izinkan aku mendongeng padamu. Aku rindu bercerita denganmu.

Tetaplah menjadi kamu yang aku kenal. Walaupun situasi berotasi, aku masih aku yang kamu kenal. Aku masih di kota ini, siap kalau-kalau kamu berkunjung kemari.

Pergilah kamu, dengan siapapun yang kamu mau. Asal kamu bahagia, melangkahlah, dengan siapapun yang kamu sertai. Segala memori yang terkumpul bersamamu--terimakasih.

Carry On.
:)

The days were long and the nights so cold
The pages turn and the tale unfolds
Paloma Faith - New York

A Finally-Published Letter Draft

Dear My Future Husband,

Man, you won't regret getting me as your lifetime partner. I've been so ugly far before I met you, then I got prettier (not that I'm 'that' pretty but just better than I was), I cover the beauty I have with this coloured veil. It's all for you. I only want to look pretty for you.

My man, you will be pleased having me as your housewife. I've been given a big responsibility as the first child, the eldest sibling. I am independent. I don't like the idea of being a spoiled girl because it's just not how a big sister behaves.

Even though I cannot guarantee our life will always be happy, but I guarantee I'll try my very best to make our life happy. It's not a guarantee either that we'll have a happy story, but I know we'll write a story of happiness, you and I.

My cooking will never be as good as your mother's, darling. But I want to learn cooking. Our cooking will never stand as equal but I wish it'll be nearly good as your mother's.

Dear, raising our kids will never as easy as we plan. So too building our home: to furnish it with stuff and spirit. It won't be easy too to manage cash. You know what I mean, dear. The ups and downs, as long as you love me, I'll fight for you.


My Dearest Future Husband,

I wish the next Eid we could meet up and celebrate it together. I've been longing for that.


My Lifetime Partner Dear,

Where in the world are you now?

Written: August 18, 2012
The Last Night of Ramadhan.
Syawal 1433 H night eve.
With the wish to be in your arm, my dear future husband.

What Shape is Perfect?

There is no perfection. At least that's what I believe. No perfection, not even close to 99% perfect. Like, for example, a perfect family.

Had a lot to speak about with my best friend since we were high school today, and we were, by accident, talking about family. And I jumped into conclusion that none of us, perhaps others too, were born in a perfect family.

I really think so. I mean, if you take a look on a picture of a happy family, do you really think that each of the members really care for each other? I mean, after all it's only a picture anyway. Who knows what they have gone through behind the picture? Not that they don't care of each other but you can't see the real background of the picture, can you? Just like a person that's never been perfect, family too. The members of the family is a group of person too, anyway. So, hope you got what I mean.

And like a perfect friendship. If in a relationship there are argues, mad, and anger, those also happen in a friendship. Miscommunication, misunderstanding, different opinions or arguments or ideas or principles... sort of it. I think we all have it all gone through. Or perhaps we are now in the middle of the situation.

Not even us. God never creates us, humans, to be perfect. What others will mean if we already been perfect? I mean, He creates us to fulfill each others, right? My bestie I met today talked to me this "kita ini ga sama loh fan, makanya saling melengkapi, makanya cocok." and I should really add "makanya kita sempurna." that sounds a bit chessy but I really think so.
(Anastasia Primasari)

So what is perfectionist to you?

Personally, I don't like the word "perfectionist" since I believe there's nothing perfect and not even close to it. Probably "idealist" will best replace the word.

Perfectionist might be the person who wants everything works by what he/she already planned. High achievements, giving many attention to details, highly spirited and so on. But don't you remember that what unplanned is the best plan? Because we have God to plan. His plan is the most perfect of all. Yet, knowing that there's nothing even close to perfect, I'd say that perfectionist is a highly motivated person who trying their best to stand close to perfect. Which is good. Unfortunately I'm not :/

You said you're an idealist?

I probably am. I have lots of idea here in my mind and they've been working and wandering and walking here and there. Idealist to me is: I have a meeting at 7. So I must be at the venue before 7 with all the ideas and supporting stuff of the meeting ready to use. I prepare everything well so I don't leave a single thing necessary. I don't like the idea of rushing because I forget everything when I rush. And when there's none to help me, I love the idea of being independent and help myself. Yup, that's the meaning of my idealist.

And again, I'm a type of believing that there's nothing perfect and nothing even close to it. The one exist is people who trying their best to achieve it.

On behalf reality, nothing is (close to) perfect.

And if you really know what perfect is, draw me a shape.

Si Nona Racau

Oke. Gue bakalan meracau kali ini. Menulis--well, literally mengetik--tentang segala hal random yang ada di kepala gue dan pada akhirnya, keluar dalam bentuk tulisan. Karena seperti yang sudah-sudah, I always end up writing.

Barusan gue ngetweet "ya Allah minta supir taxi pribadi... atau kalo ga ada tukang ojek pribadi juga boleh kok..." Tweet barusan itu beralasan. Gue memang mandiri, ya memang. Gue ga suka bergantung sama orang selagi gue bisa ngurus semuanya sendiri. Gue bukan anak manja yang panas-panasan naik angkot aja ngeluh item. Atau baru jalan sedikit aja udah komentar capek. Ngga, InsyaAllah gue bukan tipe cewek manja seperti itu.

Tapi hari ini, bener-bener rasanya gue capek. Capek. Letih. Semuanya gue jalanin sendirian. Gue mesti kesana kemari, jalan, turun naik angkot, kena panas, sesek napas kena asep dan segalanya. Oke, kali ini gue ngeluh. Karena memang gue udah capek. Pernah waktu SMA bokap janjiin gue bawa mobil ke kampus. Tapi apa? Gue udah punya SIM A aja sampe sekarang ga ada realisasinya. Emang sih mobil harganya ngga kayak beli kerupuk se-gentong. Tapi si papah udah keburu janji, dan gue ga bisa terima janji palsu. Asek, banyak gaya lo fan!

Dan diantara data skripsi gue yang gue olah dengan MANUAL (karena gue perlu menambah kurang kali bagi persen data mentah sebelum masuk ke software statistik) plus dosen pembimbing yang sering kali bikin gue takjub sehingga gue bertasbih tahmid tahlil takbir oleh keisengan si dospem, ditambah lagi masalah gue yang gagal diet (grrrr) ditambah lagiiiiii kisah penantian gue yang tak kunjung datang. Eaaa ujungnya kesitu -_____-

Ga bohong, gue, sebagai nona mandiri, punya batasan tertentu sampe mana gue bisa handle semuanya sendirian. Kali ini udah terlalu lama dan gue udah ga kuat. Lahiriah sih gue kuat. Tapi batin meringis coy eaaa. Kadang gue suka senyum-senyum iri gimanaaa gitu liat cewek yang dianterin cowoknya ke tempat tujuan, atau ketika dateng jemput pulang kuliah, atau kasih kejutan tiba-tiba dateng ke kosan sembari bilang kangen. Aaaahhh.... udah berapa lama gue sendiri? Gue ga inget.

Bukan berarti gue ga deket sama siapa-siapa atau gimana. Tapi adaaaaa aja batu sandungannya. Yang satu permasalahin fisiklah, yang satu kepentok di agama lah, yang satu ngga bisa komitmenlah bisanya main-main doang, yang satu... kalo yang satunya ini lagi diproses hahahaha aih maaaakk. Ntah akhirnya gimana, tapi gue mau mencicipi proses.

Eh kok jadi meracau tentang beginian?

Oke balik lagi ke masalah data dan skripsi. Besok gue mesti ke Bank Indonesia (lagi) untuk ngelengkapin data yang kurang. Masalah fan buat lo? Agak. Masalahnya adalah hari ini jam 11 tadi gue keluar kosan keburu buru mau ke Tebet, terus udah agak jauh dari kosan (perempatan sanggar Kemang) gue baru inget kunci kosan gue ga kebawa dan masiih nyantol di gembok dengan nyolotnya. Terpaksalah gue balik lagi, jalan buru buru. Panik. Ngeri ada yang iseng dan kamar gue diapa-apain. Sampe kosan, Alhamdulillah masih ada itu kunci dengan replika mini Eiffel Tower dan spesimen Dollar US menggantung-gantung di gembok.

Dan ga berakhir sampe situ. Gue mesti buru-buru ke depan, nunggu angkot yang nunggunya berasa nungguin jodoh dateng dan gue panik karena mesti ngepasin waktu bimbingan, dimana si dospem itu dengan isengnya sms gue tiba-tiba untuk ketemu jam setengah 4. Saat itu masih jam setengah 12. Masih lama, gue tau kok. Tapi itu cuma berasa seperti 15 menit kalo lo tinggal di Jakarta dan kemana-mana ngandelin angkot dan ketemu macet.

Selesai dari Tebet gue langsung ngacir balik ke kosan. Taro barang, ambil laptop, terus cus langsung ke kampus. Semua harus dalam waktu yang singkat. Dari kosan ke kampus pun gue terpaksa jalan (ya Allah betis berkonde!) karena ga ada bajaj ataupun ojek. Alhamdulillah waktunya ngepas walaupun agak mepet dan pas ketemu dosen gue seperti: "pak... *hosh hosh* ahsalamuhalaihkum phak... *hosh hosh* sahya mau bhimbinghan... *hosh hosh*"

Dan besok gue mesti dari pagiiiii banget berangkat ke BI. Jam 12 gue harus udah sampe kampus lagi karena ada perayaan ulang tahun temen gue and I don't wanna miss it at all. Jujur, ngebayangin gue mesti bangun pagi dan berangkat pagi dan ngadepin macet pagi-pagi aja gue udah ngos-ngosan.

Yaudalah ya, laluin aja. Toh gue yakin Allah pasti ngabulin semua doa gue. Pada saatnya.

She says we've got to hold on to what we've got

Cos it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not

We've got each other and that's a lot

For love - we'll give it a shot

We're half way there

Livin on a prayer

Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear

Livin on a prayer

Bon Jovi - Livin on a Prayer

Kalah

Kalah. Gue kalah sama semua aturan yang udah gue pasang sendiri. Ini soal hati. Gue selalu kalah. Atau mengalah. Entahlah.

kicauan tengah malam

Ga nyangka udah jam segini. Udah larut malam di tanggal yang udah berganti. Udah diatas kasur sama si kucing. Udah pasang playlist bertempo lelet buat jadi lullaby. Tapi masih aja, otak ini masih belum mau istirahat. Melanglang buana, dari suatu rumah di Jatiasih, kesana. Ke tempat anda.

Sama seperti pertanyaannya Adele: "when was the last time you thought of me? or have you completely erased me from your memory?" saya juga bertanya hal yang sama. Ah, anda. Lupa sama saya?

Mungkin kita memang udah harus declining, seperti dalam kurva PLC (Product Life Cycle) yang pernah saya post sebelumnya. Tapi ngga gini juga, bung, caranya. Ada kalanya anda terlalu perhatian sama saya. Dan selalu ada buat saya. Hal-hal yang kecil aja anda bisa ingat, apalagi hal besar--anda pasti membantu. Tapi sekarang... ngga ada satu karakter huruf ataupun tanda baca yang saya terima dari anda.

Maksudnya anda apa sih?

Ngga begini caranya, bung, kalau anda mau berlari. Sama saja anda seperti pelaku tabrak lari. Sayanya udah jatuh berlumuran darah, eeehh anda malah kabur dan ga mau tanggung jawab.

Bukan begini caranya, bung.

Kalau anda memang udah ketemu tempat berlabuh yang lain, well... *hela nafas* entah kenapa saya merasa sangat dijahatin sama anda. Tapi terserah sih, itu pilihan anda. Semoga anda ga merasa sakit pernah dijahatin seperti anda ngejahatin perasaan saya sekarang. Gapapa kok :) saya sudah biasa bertahan.

Sedikit saya berharap anda akan ingat saya. Secuil saja. Tapi saat itu tiba, saya ga janji ya kalo saya bisa selalu ada saat anda bingung dan perlu teman bicara. Maaf, tapi... tapi anda sudah menerbangkan layangannya terlalu jauh. Anda sudah kalah. Layangannya sudah dipegang tangan yang lain. Kali ini anda yang salah. Ya, anda salah. Kenapa ngebiarin layangannya terbang, coba?

Saya manusia. Capek loh, bung, dijahatin terus. Kalo ngga serius, kenapa selalu manis? Kenapa pernah berkata tentang... Ah, sudahlah. Ga paham. Dan malas untuk mencoba paham.

Oke. Kalau anda ingin berlari, larilah. Saya sih ngga mau lari. Capek tau. Ngos-ngosan, kaki pegel. Belum lagi kalo ada batu, terus kesengkat, terus jatoh, terus memar. Wiiiihhh amit-amit deh.

Sampai bertemu nanti, bung. Semoga anda baik-baik aja ya. Sehat, urusannya lancar. Dan semoga si junior anda bisa memberi apa yang ngga bisa saya kasih ke anda.

Sekedar info, mungkin anda mau tau. Sekarang layangannya sudah ada ditangan orang lain, bung.

Night, sleep well.

Pergi

Ngga ngerti kenapa bisa sampe seperti ini. Harusnya sudah tau, karena sudah diberitahu beberapa waktu yang lalu. Tapi kenapa bisa?

Kepala terasa penuh, seperti kenangan yang terbentuk. Awal bertemu, lika liku, sampai akhirnya seperti ini. Tapi masih sungguh berat dimengerti, sulit dilupakan. Kenangannya terlalu berat. Beraaaaaaaaaaatttt sekali.

Saat memulai untuk bicara tidak menuai benih apapun, lalu harus apa? Dan saat berkoar koar tidak juga dianggap, harus bagaimana?

*hela nafas*

Mungkin saatnya benar benar pergi. Tanpa melihat dibalik punggung. Tanpa menatap yang terjadi diantara kalian. Salah sendiri, kenapa tidak pernah menjadi cantik. Kalau begini, mungkin pergi saja, berharap terlempar ke bulan, lalu ke bintang, ke mars, lalu ke pluto. Yang jauh. Jauuuuhh sekali. Agar hatinya tidak meringis.

Pergi, membawa serta semua beratnya kenangan manis. Mungkin akan menjadi lagu pengantar tidur suatu malam nanti. Yang pasti sudah tidak tahan lagi, menanggung kenangan manis yang teramat berat, yang pada kenyataannya... semua hanya bisa dikenang.

Tidak apa, bila suatu saat kau datang dan butuh, sudah siap. Siap mengakhiri percakapan, siap mematikan telpon masuk, siap menghapus pesan, dan siap segalanya.

Datanglah saat kau butuh, berkata manislah saat kau butuh, berperilaku baiklah saat kau butuh. Yaa, seperti yang selama ini kau lakukan. Kemudian, hilanglah.

Namun satu hal yang akan selalu tertagih darimu: Ajakan pergi bermain seluncur es.

Meant to be a Mean

"lo cantik deh, pake pink..."

He might have forgotten when exactly he said to me so. Or maybe I'm not the only one who was pretty in pink for his eyes. But for me... that meant a lot.

Yes that meant a lot.

And his help for me just when I need that kind of help.
And his presence in almost nights that we spent hanging around the internet.
And his existence when I need somebody who listen.

That also meant a lot.

Meant. Why couldn't it be a mean?

Yes that could be a mean.

For his nonexistence when I want him to read my story.
For his arrogance left me hanging waiting for 10 hours until he replied me.
For his I'm-busy-contact-me-later.

That's so mean.

I remember he told me he got something for me, the thing he bought from his trip.
I remember he said "I'll give you two of these".
I remember... just almost everything!

How could he be so mean, when he's the one meaningful?

Un-type-able

"Some times I just wanna hide cos it's you I miss."
Christina Aguilera - Hurt

There's this little sigh between my cheery night out that night with my girls. We had fun. We had lot of fun till we're loaded of fun. But I sigh.

Between the laugh-out-loud I did with my girls, there was a glance of the smile I once saw with my very own eyes. There was also a glance of memory made of funny face picture I once ever received.

In the middle of that karaoke song, a part of my mind remember a song once told. In the middle of the vibe, I inhaled deep, exhaled slow.

I posted on that site, cheery. Happy. Fun. But there was this one scream that nobody could hear. There was this one tear God only see.

Zipped my lips and threw the key away. Closed my heart and made it numb. I didn't wanna feel it that night.

Neither would I type it.

I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

"Cos I miss you, I wish you were here."
Endah n Rhesa - Wish You Were Here

Secuil Rasa Rindu

Getaran dihatiku
Yang lama haus akan belaianmu
Seperti saat dulu~
Agnes Monica - Rindu

Um. Yea. Things have changed in times, they can never be the same. And that is why how I miss old times, old moments, old feelings, where it's just us. Us, without anyone, anything else around.

I miss that moment when you went home and I ran to you, begging for you to ride the car while I'm sleeping in the back seat. And yea I do still remember how I enjoyed Wendy's extra large Frosty with you, until you finally gave it all for me to enjoy. Yea I remember, I remember I had this kind of childy imagination like riding your back and imagining that your body was a horse and I was on it.

I miss your elbow. I like that rough elbow. You know how much I'm obsessed with elbows that I stroke my own elbow every night to sleep.

I miss that moment when I hold onto you, hug you, playing around with you. Taking you to the play-land and begging you to come along playing with me. I cant even remember when was the last time you ever hug me, I ever hug you--I don't know when. I forgot.

How can I ever tell you that I love you so much that I don't--I never--want to share you with anyone, anything, anywhere, other than God, me, you, and our little family,

Dad?

If I could get another chance
Another walk
Another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never ever end
How I'd love love love
To dance with my father again
Luther Vandross - Dance with My Father

p.s: don't get this post wrong. dad's still alive.

si sibuk

kemana lo?
saat gue butuh lo hanya untuk membaca curhatan kekesalan gue.
lo kemana?
sibuk?
terlalu sibuk sampe ga sempet melirik ke gadget dan membaca curhatan gue?

tapi kan...
selama ini gue berusaha buat selalu ada saat lo butuh untuk diberi saran, diberi masukan.
dan gue berusaha selalu kasih lo saran saran yang... ah.

sudahlah.

pada akhirnya gue yang harus selalu ngerti, selalu ngalah.
lo terlalu sibuk dan mungkin akan selalu terlalu sibuk.

doa gue cuma satu sih, semoga lo selalu inget gue gue terlintas di pikiran lo walau hanya sekali.




dan di akhir kata, harusnya gue sadar, gue...

emang gue siapanya elo yang harus diperhatiin pesan-pesan messenger tentang curhatannya?
ya ga?
ya kan...

Experience or That Super Social Phone?

I would rather buy experience than to buy BlackBerry.

Yes, definitely. At least for now. Or if my mom and dad want me to have it. Haha.

Whatsoever.

I really don't get it why people here in Indonesia, especially the youngster, get really really overreact to this phone. What's good in it anyway? The chatting stuff? The always-online stuff? The camera? Talking about the camera, by the way, it's not even better than the ones of Nokia. Lol.

BlackBerry here has become something even more spectacular than the H5N1 I guess.

Hmm, the very reason that I state that I'd rather buy experience than to buy BB is that the cost of BlackBerry and the cost of me joining Indonesia International Week programme is the same. I repeat, the same. Or I guess even more expensive, and worthier (I repeat, WORTHIER) than me buying and having BB. Here, I give you some explanation:

1. Me buying experience of Indonesia International Week (IIW) --> experience differ from my colleagues, having proud, pride, and stories to tell to my friends and relatives, clearly improving my English, having friends and relatives abroad, and knowledge and real social life.
2. Me buying BB --> same experience with my mates, just to be aloof and alone with the phone, knacking some shit on the UberSocial, gossiping about anyone on the BBM, and just having some fake social life.

This opinion just came out suddenly, when I use the Twitter for BlackBerry from my brother's, then couple friends of mine asking my BB pin. And I felt that using a BB is like.. something merciful? Ngg.. naah...

But somehow, if my dad and mom buy me this kind of phone, I wouldn't even bother refusing the offer :p

Well, buying experience or buying this "super social phone", it's up to you. Or do you wanna buy both??

Fried Noodles Times Two

hello blogger! or you guys blog-reader!

oh well, you see, tonight I supposed to do something related to my Macro Economics homework but then I end up playing solitaire, putting songs on windows media player playlist, and knacking some ideas on this blog. notepad formerly actually.

"I've gone mad."

"I think I'm crazy."

those words kept on resounding in my mind. well, perhaps I just am.

seriously, I am stressed out. yesterday I finally decided to buy my favourite cigarette, Marlboro Black Menthol, after fighting with my own thoughts that I should really stop smoking. but every time I think about it, on times like these, it makes me even more eager to smoke. oh well, something just successfully done something to me. I finally spend my money on it, a lighter, and a shaver.

that evening I smoke more than usual on times when I'm "normal". I was once hated people who are smoking by the way, but now I am. how ironic. oh, oh, it's been a "senjata makan tuan" for me. does anybody knoooowwsss exactly what "senjata makan tuan" is on English? I've been so curious with this idiom.

and on that late evening, about 8 o'clock, I made a delicious Mie Sedap fried noodles. and, at the same time, I ordered bu nur *a vendor of gorengan and yes, a vendor of delicious instant noodles to anak kosan like me* to make me a portion of fried noodles with egg and veggie. so, count it! I ate two portions of fried noodles that late evening! plus one bakwan jagung, and a small plastic of kerupuk. in addition, before I was eating those two portion of fried noodles, I already ate much much much of lanting. so yess, definitely I'm mad. that evening was all about eating. (not to mention after eating jumbo like that I smoke 3 pieces of cigar again -_-")

aaaannddd what happen tonight? O yea, I'm still mad!

today, my friend actually promised me to go to Pejaten Village in the evening, after she has passed her Ujian Berkala satu for this short semester. talking about friends and short semester by the way, I feel so sorry and disappointed about my friend. well, he thought he would take it hard or uneasy or something else that would take much of his time thinking about it or working on it that may lead to lessen his time playing games he liked best (I suppose, not really sure though) or to lessen his enjoyment of this holiday. but hei boy, what about your future? you'll be even more wasting time by playing around instead of running on this thing called "Kuliah".

No offense, if you read this. this is only a suggest. never I meant to ruin your life with these thoughts, though.

okay back again, where was it? oh yes, my friend who promised me to go to Pejaten Village. in the end, she broke it. she said she was stressful and tired after the exam. oh well, I was sad, really. that's my only opportunity to let go this irritating thoughts and feelings and the wants of smoking. so I decided to go by myself to KFC Kemang.

There, I ate a package of KFC attack (rice, fried chicken, cola), a cup of brownies sundae, and a cup of cream soup. I spent approximately two hours just sitting there and enjoying wi fi. alone. I met some of my colleagues there. one of 'em asked me, "heiii fany! ngapain lo disini sendiriaan?" and I answered "nggg... terserah gue dong hahaha"

on 7 o'clock I get to my room (homestay). without further thoughts, I went to bu nur's place and order a portion of fried noodles with egg and veggie, and this time, with more chili sauce. having finished eating, I smoke two pieces.

and now, I intended to do my Macro Economics homework but I found it boring, so I opened Notepad and wrote this all. oh well, I still have tomorrow to do the homework. what a procrastinator.

I hope I wouldn't get sick after eating much of instant noodles -____-


It's a traffic jam when you're already late
It's a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Alanis Morissette - Ironic

Just Another Story

loving you secretly might be so wrong.
but i cant take it.
i just love you--and that's it.

i got confused. YOU are confusing.
i just know that keeping a secret--my very own secret--is so damn hard.

something secret should be kept silent.

but i cant take it.
maybe you should know that i am thinkin of you each and every time.
you've come to my sences.
how can i ever be freed of you?


I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

if you're not the one - daniel bedingfield


i am so naive.
i want you. i need you. but i keep telling myself that i dont need you. i lied. i lied to everyone even to myself.

cos im too afraid of falling down.
every love i know is only about pain and falling down.
pain.
hurt.

ive hurt so much.

i know it's not right--loving you. i guess i should do what i should do--stop thinking of you. but i could fall in love with you. secretly.

i cried once, knowing that i love you and knowing that i'll be hurt again. that is why i keep on lying, deceiving. maybe if i lie to myself i wouldnt get hurt. maybe if i lie to myself the feeling will go away.


Fall in love, then it ends
I swear: This will be my last heartbreak
Even the cherry blossom trees shaking in the wind,
Will bloom one day soon.

The sudden summer rain,
Passed by my tears in a quiet stream
A scene so like one from my memories
A summer re-run of a fall drama.

Why do I keep getting done in by the same punch,
And yet still continue to fight?
That's one of life's little mysteries.

sakura drops (english version) - utada hikaru


it's true, i am that somebody, i am somewhere you dont know. and i am thinking of you...

God, please tell me what i should do best.

HAPPY NU YIRR!

DESA.

gak pernah mimpi gue, kalo suatu hari nanti gw bakal punya rumah di desa.
tapi nyatanya sekarang, dengan bokap gw yang lagi ditugaSin ke Serang, ahirnya dia beli rumah baru di sebuah desa, bernama Desa Sepang.

papa: 'sebentar lagi kita nyampe di Tokyo, nih'
mama, ade gw, gw: ?????
papa: 'Sepang kan ibukotanya Tokyo,'
gw: 'JEPANG kali paah! grrrrrrr'

haaa~

emang sih rumah gw ga berada di desa persis, tapi di komplek perumahan yang dibangun di tengah tengah desa. udaranya bagus, bersiiiiihhh banget. tapi yaaa, namanya juga di desa, penduduk yang pada punya kebo sama kambing dilepas gitu aja peliharaannya, sampe sampe dia masuk ke komplek perumahan gw. sampe sampe...

gw: niat belajar. buka buku bisnis chapter 17. tibatiba...

MBEEEEEKKKKKK

gw: ignore. lanjut baca buku. tapi...

MBEEEEKKKKKK MBEEEEKKKKK

gw: ngintip ke jendela. ada dua kambing. still, ignore it. lanjut baca buku sampe...

MBEEEEEEEKKKK MBEEEEKKK MBEEEEEKKKKK

gw: AMPUN DEH TU KAMBING TAU GAK SIH GUE LAGI NIAT???!!

MBEEEEEKKKKKKKK

gw: ngintip ke jendela. tiga kambing masuk ke garasi rumah.
gw: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ya yaa.. begitulah desa.

warnet jauh, koneksi 3G non available, koneksi payah~
malahan, yang dinamain MALL sama orang Serang tuh ya PIJAY nya jakarta! mamam tuh mall!


NIAT BELAJAR, TAPIII....

gue sadar tanggal 5 Januari nanti, begitu masuk itu langsung UAS. gue juga bawa buku *cieh, tumben* Akuntansi, Ekonomi Mikro, Bisnis, Matek. tapi, dengan alasan kambing yang selalu mengembek *padahal sih gak berisik berisik banget--kecuali dia pada masuk garasi yang belom dipagerin* atau apalah. pokoknya ada aja deh alasan gw buat gak belajar.

i know im gonna feel sorry for this. sigh


EVEN BILLY GOT A GIRLFRIEND!

Raden Mas Billy, kucing gw, gw ajak berlibur ke Serang. sedikit repot sih bawa dia. tapiii, cukup bikin gw betah disana.

suatu malam Billy gak pulang. gw takut dia kenapa napa. namanya juga lingkungan baru buat dia. besoknya ahirnya gw cari dia keliling komplek.

capek capek gw cariii, ternyata dia malah lagi enak-enakan sama ceweknya! *dasar pejantan* tapi gw bisa bilang ceweknya Billy itu cakep, bersih lah. warnanya putih-krem gitu. gw namain aja dia BERTA WATI.

haa, papa. ckck, no comment lah...


BORING NU YIRR EVE

dalam suatu percakapan sms...

didi: fan, kpn mw bljr brg lg?
fany: kan kmrn udah. lo ga dtg knp hayooo?
didi: o, cm sekali doank bljrnya. kmrn gw ga bsa, ada acr kel. ah payah nh
fany: paling abis taunbaruan di. dmn lo taunbaru?
did: yauda kbrin. gw d crown..

di crown? waaah, it must be a magnificent holiday.

taun baruan di desa was just like an ordinary nights for me. sprint film di tv, masak, maen laptop, nyariin kucing, duduk duduk, tiduran, bosen, bosen, dan booooooseeennn...

it was a silent new year. please consider that it was a village. only a few children came out and play around while they blewing at such a horn. but however, bunyi jangkrik lebih indah menggema daripada bunyi terompet. ahirnya gw begadang sampe jam 4 cuma nontonin the da vinci code sampe abis.

tapi Alhamdulillah, gw bukan korban Gaza, yang gak bisa rayain taun baru dengan tenang. Alhamdulillah, Allah masih beri gw chance to live. padahal gw nista. padahal gw penyakitan. Alhamdulillah...


well, just some story then. obat rindu nulis blog. udah cukup lama juga gak ngepost.

HAPPY NU YIRR!!!
dont go with your past, your future awaits.

ngangkot oh ngangkot..

hidup memang penuh perjuangan.
yaa, klise si.
tapi emg begitu.
huah~

apalagi dengan perjuangan yang ahir ahir ini (dan sekaligus ahirnya) bakal jadi rutinitas gw setiap hari. ke kampus naek bus. naek angkot menuju ke tempat gw menuntut ilmu nun jauh di kemang. ini sekolah gw yang paling jauh dari sekolah gw yang sebelom sebelomnya bertempat di kemangGISAN. namanya gak jauh beda, tapi lokasinya beda jauh.

sigh.

seorang teman pernah menanyakan seperti ini,
'kenapa kampus teknik elektro mesti di depok? kenapa ngga di salemba ato meruya aja biar deket?'

dan gw jawab,'gw juga punya pertanyaan sama. kenapa IBS di kemang? kenapa gak di kemangGISAN ato di slipi aja biar gw gak pake kesengklak?'

"takdir"

aaaaanyway, gw punya beberapa cerita pas gw ngangkot.

pernah gak lo diteriakin kenek angkot tepat di kuping lo pas tempat yang lo tuju udah nyampe. gw pernah. ceritanya, dari blokM gw mo ke rumah opung gw buat arisan keluarga yang rumahnya di kebon baru, asem baris. lo tau carrefour MT Haryono? nah, rumah opung gw di seberangnya.

dari kampus gw naek 605A ke arah blokM yang adanya cuma 30 menit sekali. dari blokM gw naek 45 berdasarkan sms tante gw. maklum, baru kali ini gw jalan sendirian, ngangkot pula. nah, pas busnya dateng, gw tanya sama keneknya,
kenek: cawang uki uki uki uki cawanggg!!!
gw: bang lewat stasiun cawang ga?
kenek: IYA!! cepet naek!!
gw: *buset galak amat*

trus pas abang abangnya mintain ongkos,
kenek: *jalan ke seisi bus dengan background sound gemericik uang receh*
gw: bang stasiun cawang ya *sambil ngasi 2500*
kenek: IYA!
gw: biasa aja bang

trus pas nyampe stasiun cawang,
gw: *sedikit head-banging dengerin mp3 dengan volume kecil*
kenek: *beriri di samping gw*
kenek: STASIOOOOOOONNNN STASIIOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!!!!!
gw: bang, ga usa pake tereak saya denger kok!

trus pas gw turun dari tu angkot kamfret,
gw: *kesengklak lagi kaki untuk kedua kalinya*
kenek: NENG HATI HATI DOONGG!!!!!!!!!
gw: IYE BANG! heboh banget sik

masyaAllah. orang batak bukan si tu kenek? gw yang keturunan batak aja gak pake tereak tereak.

cerita selanjutnya. about what people usualy do on the bus that they dont realize, is talking or laughing too loud. waktu gw naek 46 ke dikmenti di kuningan, gw duduk di bangku ketiga dari depan. ada beberapa orang duduk di bangku paling belakang yang ngobrolnya kuenceeenngggg banget.
org1: jadi selama ini lo sama dia hts-an doang? aaahh payanh luuu
org2: biarin aja, lebih enak hts-an daripada jadian
org3: eh, eh cowo gw nelfon, bentar ya. HALOO? IYAA AKU MASIH DI BUS. IYA TENANG AJA AKU SAMA TEMEN TEMEN KOK. KAMU DIMANA? HA? APAA? APAAN SIH? HAH? KAMU NGOMONG APA SIH AKU GAK JELAS NIH MASI DI BUS!
org1: coba sini gw yang ngomong. HALO? EH APAAN SIH? HAH? OOH LO UDAH NYAMPE? YAUDAH TUNGGUIN AJA. IYA TENANG AJA CEWEK LO SAMA GW KOK. HAH? APA? OOOHH. YAUDAH TUNGGUIN AJA BENTAR LAGI.

o-my-god. give me a break. this is one of many reasons that i hate to go by bus.

another story. in this case, i warn you to bring along your handkerchief. karena siapa tau, mas mas yang lagi pegangan itu keteknya bau. hmpfth... gw hampir sesek napas nyium bau semriwing begini. yaa gimana nggak, pas gw pulang pas jam kantor bubaran juga. huaaaaaaaa gak tahan gak tahan gak tahaaaaannnnnn...........

trus ada lagi. pasti pernah ketemu pengamen dong? nah, pengamen yang satu ini beda lagi. waktu itu gw balik dari kampus. pas busnya lagi berenti di halte bunderan slipi, ada pengamen naek dari pintu belakang. dia mulai berteriak teriak. yap tul. bukan nyanyi, tapi teriak teriak. dia di belakang, gw duduk di depan tapi rasanya ky dia di deket gw. made things worse, dia MAJU ke sebelah gw dan nyanyi (baca: TERIAK) sekenceng kencengnya di kuping gw. mana dia nyanyinya gak bener, nadanya ngasal, liriknya semau dia, suaranya keras, di kuping gw pula! *ya Allah selamatkanlah gendang telingaku*
gw pengen marah, tapi takut malah dia yang lebih galak. lagian gak elit juga ah berantem sama pengamen. untungnya, dari bunderan slipi ke tempat gw turun di pabrik seng ga jauh dan ga lama. bye bye pengamen singit. smg gak ketemu lagi gw sama lo.

it aint over babe, kuliah gw baru selesai 3,5 tahun lagi. dan selama itu pula gw naek angkot. mungkin gw bikin aja yaa ngangkot community? haha