Things Will Never Be The Same Again

It has been quite a long time for me to catch up on things and write again. I have been fed up with many things, they said that this is adulthood--facing something real. Like paying the credit card bills, paying your own rent, buying your own meals, working your a** off in order to pay the bills, the rent, and the food.

Well... the thing is, since May 2016 things won't be the same again. I am engaged. To a man who rarely ever be romantic to me. To a man who has never given me a damn real rose. To a man I have been dating with for the past three years.

My Dear God,

Make my choice is Your choice too.

It's been quite a while. Me and him had so much to go through until we finally ended up engaged. It wasn't full of happy moment with cheers and laugh. It wasn't all that sad cry-baby moments as well. We've gone through it. We made it. Until what we are now.

I admit it that he only does romantic at the very first of our date. I know that he never buys me single lovely red rose that every girl wishes and would keep until the petals are dried. I asked for a rose. Yet he has never intended to buy it for me, I think. He also barely ever holds my hand in public. No such thing is public displayed affection in his dictionary while he dates me. He didn't surprise me on my birthdays, he never gives me a cute-wrapped gifts to impress me. He doesn't call me love, or honey, or baby, or sweety, or any other sweet calls to bae.

I thought I needed those.

I thought I needed a rose, I thought I needed gifts wrapped with pink ribbons.

I never thought I would ever be needed his guidance. Moreover, his acceptance---

--of me. His acceptance of me. Me being me. I being who I am.

How could I ever be so selfish that after all this time I didn't realise what he has given me...?

He doesn't give me rose. But he pays meal for two. He doesn't give me cute-wrapped present in pink ribbon. He helped me to buy something I really want, instead. He doesn't do romance, but he thinks so much of my safety. He said I must not go home late. Girls aren't made to out at night, he said. Or that time when he visited me only to fix my motorcycle issues. That moment when he said my suit wasn't right for me, boys will think of me the other way if I had been in that suit. And when he was mad when I told him that I argued with some boys on the way home just because they didn't drive well. He was afraid if something ever happened to me. I mean, they were boys, and I'm just a girl.

Yes, he doesn't allow me to post something like all cute couples do on instagram, twitter, path, or any other social medias--you name it. "But why?" I asked him more than once. "Adults are not the way you think of. There are more real things to think of. Meaning, there are thing that is OK to share with people and there are things otherwise. And affection are for ourselves, nor for the world to watch.", he told me.

I asked him for surprises like lots of time. He never did give me once. But he has always been the number one person who wish on my birthdays. He would text me like every time to assure that I am getting well if I'm sick. He would text my mum to pick me up in kost (we live apart, Jakarta vs Tangerang) and take me to the hospital if I happen to be very sick and alone. He buys me some healthy drinks, only to make me feel better and warm...

Oh, how I have been busy with myself all along. I have been being a very demanding girlfriend so far. Yet he still can accept me.

Yes he does.

All those anger, all those don'ts, are for me. So I keep myself safe from any harm.

And I have never really thought of that.

My Dear God,

Bless us with Your love and cares.

Make us always falls in love over and over again. 

From now on, until our marriage.

From our marriage, until forever.

From forever, until You set us together again in Jannah.

SHIFT.

It's quite some times I haven't been in touch with this random-thoughts-to-post on such blog. Work loads and everything apparently have successfully killed my leisure time (including time to write). My job now as a Commercial Loan Relationship Manager ruined my expectation of how working in a bank should be. Oh well, since I have officially sold my young-wild-free life to this bank, then I really need to work this a$$ off of 24 hours 7 days a week without any excuses. Like, SERIOUSLY.

Anyway, I don't wanna put my mood down cos I wanna write some other big deal that can shift my life besides working.

Yeaaaaaa, you knooowwww... you guys know me soo weeeelllll....

Next January will be our third year. I have known this guy like forever. We've overcome times of the hardest, the most jealousy days. There was time when he gave me so much love that I was overwhelmed; nevertheless there was also time when he act so cold - I froze!

Yet, the rockiest part of our journey hasn't begun.

I believe there's gonna be a miraculous day that he with all his family pay a visit to my house - meet my parents, brothers, and my cats. It would not only be a casual family meeting but it will be extraordinary for my family (his had already done such family meeting four times for his elder brothers) for this one's gonna be my family's first time.

Ah, I can't wait to see what happens next... Will that be like those girls' post on social medias? Will I be overwhelmed by Allah's blessings? How it feels like? What would I do after that? What dress should I wear on the D day? Who should I invite? Is that okay to spread the word? When will the D day be? So many many many things hang on my mind even though the day's not yet to come.

Despite all that stuff, I wish to Allah he wont get distracted anymore. This is for our own sake, for everything we've gone through. For every reason we hang on to, and every struggle we beat.

I'm just ready for another shift in my life!

Dear Allah,

I have been so alone, please don't make me do a night without anyone by my side.

Let him be the one for me.

Let me be the only one for him.

And never have I lost my faith in You, Gusti Allah.

tomorrow.

..

Oh I love you.
For every sentimental reason.

Your laugh. Your smile. Your cares. Your eyes. Your lips. Your warmth.

Even when you're angry, I would still love you.

I love you enough to let you go.

I wouldn't have enough guts to make you stay for nothing with me.
It would cause me tears but I'm used to cry alone at night.
It would cause my heart so much ache but it'll eventually be cured seeing you laugh happily.

I love you. I do.

And it's enough to let you walk away.

Take good care, darling.
Thank you so much for the effort.
Forgive me.

Tomorrow, you'll be seeing me for the last time.

I love you, mas.

I really do.

London Grammar - Strong

LONDON GRAMMAR - STRONG

(lyric video)

One Day, 
I'll be sitting on the front-left side of a car, looking at the city lights and everything goes on with it and everything that's on the road, through the window, while I listen to this song.

Neurons in my head are gonna take me back to some old memories, to some places where all things happened, at some points where I had been--I could never forget. They're gonna throw me back to that first meetings of me and him or me and him or me and him, and everything that came after it; all the sweetest things, all the sweetest nights; all the hurts, all the break-ups, and all the cries. They're also gonna put me back to where I was so damn down, to where I was at my lowest point when "we" was no longer existed.

The road, the lights, the cars, and the trees that I'm seeing through the car's window on that One Day, will show me those moments as if I'm watching live opera. Yes, a live opera. Starring: me. And him, and him, and him--in sequence. A live opera, audience: me. I'm gonna watch the opera until the song fades away.

And I'm gonna sigh at it, at first.

Yea I'm sure I'm gonna sigh of every memory playing over and over and over again.

But on that One Day, when I listen to this song while memories taking me back to some moments of my life, there's gonna be a chosen lucky man sitting next to me, on the right side of the car, driving. And I'm gonna smile at him.

I'm gonna smile at him, and at everything I've paid to get to him. He'll know how strong I have been, he'll know how loud I have spoken, and he'll understand how wrong I have been for having doubt that I might not be in love again after all the hurts.

I'm gonna be in love with him--and so is he. We'll pass the road together, we both will see moonlight underneath the dark sky, we will smile at every thing in our past, and perhaps we'll thank each of them who brought us to that One Day. And yes, we'll go to the same destination by the same road we choose.

On that One Day.


Till that One Day, I just gotta be strong.

Bandung: Perfect Memory Scenes (Narrative)

This narration was made in order to join a blog (bandungunite.blogspot.com--which, I found out recently was deleted) with any post about Bandung. Yea, so I made this. But this has never been published before. Once again, this one is a naration. So here it is!

Gue bukan orang Bandung. Ke Bandung pun jarang, bisa dihitung dalam setahun dan mungkin bisa kurang dari 5 kali dalam setahun itu untuk gue mengunjungi Bandung. Gue ga punya siapa-siapa di Bandung. Well, not that I don't have acquaintance or friends in Bandung, but... you know what I mean.

Gue ga tau jalan - jalan apa di Bandung; tempat - tempat hangout apa aja selain yang udah pernah gue denger dan gue datengin sebelumnya. Bahkan gue lupa sekarang, kemana aja tempat yang udah pernah gue datengin. Dan gue pun selalu berasumsi kalau Bandung itu sama aja sama kota Metropolitan ini. Kota macet, kota ramai. Kota dimana orang orang berusaha mencari peluang dengan membuka tempat tempat hangout yang menurutnya punya diferensiasi produk atau jasa dan posisi tersendiri di benak konsumennya. Kota yang mungkin sebentar lagi mungkin bakal banyak gedung gedung pencakar langit seperti disini. Simply, it's not a city to escape for me.

Tapi entah kenapa, gue selalu penasaran ke Bandung. Menelusuri jalan jalan yang dulu pernah kita lewatin. Datang ke tempat tempat yang waktu itu pernah kita datengin. Atau dengan singkat, mengenang semua yang pernah kita lalui.

Masih gue inget jalan jalan yang kita lalui, walau gue lupa apa nama jalannya. Gue juga inget waktu kita tersasar di Bandung, karena kita sama sama bukan berasal dari sana. Waktu kita naik angkot, lalu turun, makan di warung makan lesehan khas Sunda, dan kita baru tersadar kalau kita ga tau ada dimana kita saat itu. Lalu Kamu, dengan ke-sok-tau-an Kamu, bilang kalau kita harus naik angkot yang lain, dan tanpa bertanya sama kang supir, kita naik, dan setelah beberapa saat perjalanan kita masih juga ga tau kita ada dimana.

Waktu sudah sore saat kita tersasar itu. Dan bukannya berusaha bertanya - tanya jalan untuk pulang, Kamu malah mengajak gue untuk berwisata kuliner. Surabi, mie kocok, cimol... sampai - sampai tanpa pikir panjang kita beli peuyeum dengan alasan buat oleh - oleh dari Bandung.

And when the sunshine finally faded away, Kamu baru sadar kalau kita harus segera pulang. And you finally lowered your pride, lalu bertanya sama orang orang tentang jalan dan cara kita pulang. Yup, akhirnya kita naik angkot yang benar dan tanpa tersasar lagi, kita pulang.

The next day, you picked me up from my friend's flat where I stayed for that two memorable days. I wouldn't want to feel that my right ankle was actually in pain since the previous day we had, as we walked and walked and walked through the road. Anyway. Our agenda that day was to go to Ciampelas. Kita berjalan - jalan seperti biasa saat disana. Berhenti hanya untuk makan, duduk dan beristirahat sambil terus mengobrol tentang apa saja. Kita menertawakan orang lain. Kita ngerjain SPG di salah satu toko dengan menyuruhnya mengambil ini itu lalu dengan santainya kita pergi dan tidak membeli apa - apa. Kita mencoba pernak - pernik tapi kita juga tidak membelinya. Hahaha, Kamu. Selalu membuat gue tersenyum simpul saat scene - scene tentang kita disana terulang lagi di benak gue.

Cuma satu yang pada saat itu berhasil gue bawa pulang dalam bentuk nyata. Beberapa hasil photo booth. Dan dari semua hasil itu, cuma ada satu dimana Kamu tersenyum manis. Sisanya, muka Kamu jelek semua...

Yup. Hanya beberapa lembar foto berukuran 2R sebagai hasil nyata kalau gue sudah pergi ke Bandung. Bahkan peuyeum yang saat itu kita beli pun tertinggal di kost-an temen gue. Hahaha. Ya, hanya foto dan kenangan.

Kamu. Dan kenangan kita beberapa tahun lalu. Di Bandung. Dan hanya di Bandung. Kadang gue berharap, suatu saat nanti ketika gue melintasi kota Bandung dengan mobil gue, gue akan bertemu sama Kamu. Lalu (mungkin) mengajak Kamu duduk di bangku sebelah kiri gue. Lalu gue (mungkin) mengajak Kamu melintasi lagi jalan - jalan yang dulu pernah kita lalui dengan angkot. And then let the memory finds us.

Diantara semua keramaian di kota itu, selalu ada harapan yang gue keluarkan. Kamu.

Bandung itu Kamu. Ya, Kamu.

When you see me like this (see me like this)

And when I see you like that (see you like that)

Then we see what we want to see—all comin back to me 

The flesh and the fantasies—all comin back to me

I can barely recall, but it's all comin back to me now

Meatloaf ft. Marion Raven – It’s All Comin Back to Me Now

narrative story by @fanyhervilita

*damn, berasa kemakan tulisan sendiri. hanya saja bukan di Bandung. Tapi Jogjakarta. Bersama si dia, si Kapten. Kaliurang, Condongcatur, Pogung, Bantul, Kota Gede~~~* 

Salam Rindu

Untuk kamu, aku rindu.

Kerlingan manjamu, cara tawamu, pelukanmu, caramu membuat aku tenang saat merasa insecure tentang kamu, wajahmu, senyummu, cumbumu, ciummu, suaramu... aku bisa rindu semua tentang kamu.

Kepadamu, aku rindu.

Berhari-hari di kotamu, berangkat sengan segala harapan yang ku gantungkan pada Tuhan. Aku ini wanita pejuang, sayang. Dan kamulah yang aku perjuangkan. Semoga kamu sadar akan hal itu. Semoga terbuka selalu pintu hatimu.

Karena kamu, aku merindu.

Kutitipkan salam rinduku pada hujan. Semoga airnya melaju sampai Jogja. Anginnya berhembus dan membelai pipimu. Hingga kau tau dan mengerti aku yang merindu. Dan semoga, kaupun ikut sama merindunya kepadaku.

Surya,

Aku kangen...

Nyata II

dalam eratnya dekapanmu, aku ini bahagia, dan ingin menangis. siapa aku ini buatmu? seakan tak peduli soal itu, kita terus mendekap satu sama lain. Aku sangat ingin menangis, saat kamu memelukku erat. merasakan kulitmu yang menyentuh kulitku. menghirup baumu, sesaat kau bangun dari tidur siangmu. lelahkah kau, sayang? istirahatlah, aku disini. disampingmu. nyata. aku bukan fantasimu. kali ini. hari ini. entah dimana aku esok hari, tapi aku disini hari ini. nyata. dan dalam dekapanmu, hatiku pecah sedikit. bagaimana nanti? bagaimana esok hari? bagaimana saat aku kembali ke kotaku, meninggalkanmu, kembali menggantungkan rinduku akan kamu, dan kembali memfantasikan kamu. saat pipi kita bersentuhan, saat janggutmu dapat jelas kurasa di pipi kananku. lalu kapan? kapan dapat kurasa sensasi itu lagi? kamu yang selama ini hanya ada dalam otakku, kali ini, hari ini, kamu nyata. nyata. ini kupegang pipimu. kubelai rambutmu. kuhirup wangimu. kudekap erat tubuhmu. sayangku, kenapa kita begini?

Jawaban dari segala doa: Nyata.

Satu, Dua, Tiga

Hatinya sakit.

Malam itu kala hujan, ia menangis. Menangis. Meringkuk. Bersujud. Terlentang. Terlungkup. Menangis. Samar-samar suaranya. Dalam diam, ia pun berteriak.

Lalu dia tersenyum. Bicara rindu pada udara, menatap penuh langit-langit jingga di kamarnya. Berharap udara akan menghantarkan rindu bodohnya kepada orang itu. Disana. Jauh disana. Yang entah sedang apa. Atau merasakan apa untuknya. Ah, sudahlah.

Rindu yang kalap. Dia adalah pecandu rindu yang bodoh.

Pelukmu, candu untukku. Tubuhmu, rindu terbesarku. Bersamamu, khayalan tertinggiku. | Bidadari Rejected (@adelladellaide)

Dia itu bodoh.

Petir menjadi gelegaran tawa yang ia sangat rindu. Rintik hujan seperti suara nafas yang terhembus jelas di microphone ear-set, yang kala itu ia dengar hampir tiap malam. Udara dingin kala itu, bagai fantasi tatkala pria itu memeluknya. Mencium jauh pipinya, dari seberang sana. Dan hembusan lembut angin hujan, bagai suara manja yang sering ia dengar dari telepon. Bodoh, ia gadis bodoh.

Baginya, dia adalah jawaban segala doa.

Tersenyum, lalu air mata itu terjatuh. Satu, dua, tiga.

Kenapa harus dia?

Yeah for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll tryI'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleedingIf that'll make you mine

Bruno Mars - It Will Rain 

Tapi apa? Dia melangkah pergi, meninggalkan dia terlungkup, terjatuh, tersungkur... sendiri. 

Rindu tapi Ironi

Aku ini merindu.

Sama kamu. 

Entah sudah berapa rindu. 

Pokoknya aku rindu. 

Dan pada jarak yang memisahkan, aku makin rindu. 

Pada kesibukan yang meniadakan waktu, aku pasti rindu. 

Terhadap waktu yang saru, oh aku rindu.

Diantara kotamu dan kotaku, dimana harus kuletakkan rinduku padamu?

Adakah rindu yang kau rasakan untukku, sayang?

Ketika memelukmu hanya dalam fantasi.

Menciummu juga hanya fantasi.

Walau hanya berada di sampingmu, itu fantasi.

Rinduku hanyalah sepiring penuh ironi.