Isi Hati yang Botjor

Hmm, jadi kamu pikir ini postingan menyoal galau, patah hati, sakit hati, dan kekecewaan yang erat kaitannya dengan cinta? Well, nyatanya, curhatan itu ngga melulu menyoal mimpi yang patah dan harapan yang tak kunjung hadir...

Ya emang tentang kegalauan sih.

Tapi galaunya beda.

Karena karyawan bank itu juga boleh dan bisa galau kan? Apalagi kalo dia menjabat sebagai seorang Relationship Manager. Sst, jangan terkecoh dengan namanya yang keren, yang tjakep. Karena pada hakekatnya itu, seorang RM (Relationship Manager) hanyalah seorang cungpret korporat, yang dunianya selalu ditindas kiri kanan atas bawah tanpa lemburan atau uang lebihan. Hidupnya bagai seseorang yang berjalan di malam kelam, menanti hadirnya sang rembulan. Seperti orang yang berjalan di padang tandus, dimana uang lemburan itu bagai serpihan oase fatamorgana...

Yah begitulah.

Para bos cuma tau target dan cara untuk mencapainya. Entah mereka punya degradasi perihal ingatan mereka atau cuma pura pura, tapi kami RM hanya manusia, bukan robot. Mereka sering lupa kalau pulang malam terus terusan itu ga baik buat kesehatan, tapi untuk pulang jam lima sore adalah hal yang tabu. Dan mereka sering khilaf kalo orang sakit itu butuh istirahat dan hiburan, bukannya ditelpon buat tanya ini itu perihal kerjaan yang mungkin bisa bikin si orang sakit lama sembuhnya.

Hmph...

Disitu sering saya menyesal kenapa dulu saya bersikeras bercita cita menjadi seorang banker.

Saat melakukan maintenance dan memo memo lainnya itu dianggap bukanlah kerjaan, atau telponin debitur/calon debitur untuk maintain relationship, melakukan pencairan plafond, order KJPP untuk perpanjangan laporan penilaian aset debitur/calon debitur, melakukan kunjungan ke kantor calon debitur tapi eh ujungnya ditolak, itu semua dianggap tidak bekerja. Mereka cuma mau hasil, tanpa peduli proses.

Yang namanya "jump to conclusion" itu bukannya instan dan ga ada proses lho ya. Kan "jump" dulu baru "conclusion"...

(bodo amat ga jelas, terserah saya aja)

Capek? Tentu.

Lelah? Ga perlu ditanya lah.

Bosan? Hufft.

Yang saya tau itu Tuhan tidak tidur. Gusti Allah mboten sare. Mungkin belum cukup saya terima perlakuan yang ngga adil dan pilih kasih dari kantor, karena kalo udah cukup, saya pasti udah ngga disini lagi. Udah kelar jadi RM, udah jadi ibu rumah tangga sekaligus mahmud pengusaha. Jadi ibu kost.

Cuma bisa menganggap ini semua sejenis "tabungan", reward nya nanti saat udah penuh tabungannya, baru bisa enak diambil dan dinikmatin.

Yah, biar tetep waras, mesti sering sering inget Allah dan ademin hati dan kepala sendiri.

Daripada emosi ditahan mulu, ntar malah pusing.

Tapi ini kok udah pusing :(

That Himalayan Cat

Hi Paw!

Udah lama banget sejak terakhir kali saya ngeblog. Sampe sampe saat mau sign in ke blog saya ini, saya lupa pake email yang mana dan apa password-nya. Padahal, dulu waktu masih banyak waktu senggang dan ga ribet hal ini itu, dalam waktu sehari saya bisa punya dua ide (yang menurut saya) menarik untuk diposting.

Dan jujur aja, setelah saya berhasil sign in ke blogger ini, saya malah bingung dan ide yang kemarin-kemarin dateng pas lagi di wc, berdiri di bus, kepanasan di angkot, keujanan pas di gojek; semuanya musnah. Saya cuma terbengong-bengong depan laptop suami (cieee.. iya, suami. sekarang saya udah dobel. bobo di kasur dobel, dompet dobel, ktp dobel, pun berat badan jadi dobel) sampe akhirnya seekor kucing keturunan himalayan yang lusuh, kotor, dan lapar menghampiri saya di depan pintu kamar kost, yang sengaja saya buka.

Saat itu sedang hujan sedang, Saya yang suka suara hujan, udara, dan ademnya, sengaja buka pintu kamar kost sembari cari ide buat posting blog. Karena ide mampet, jadi saya habiskan 30 menit pertama bersihin inbox, trash folder, dan spam folder email sampai akhirnya si kucing datang.

Bunyi 'srek srek' itu menandakan kalo ada kucing yang lagi nyari sisa makanan dari tempat sampah depan kamar kost saya. Dan saya sebagai penyuka kucing, langsung paham, nengok keluar sambil bawa dry cat food buat siapapun kucing diluar kamar kost yang lagi ngusrak ngusrek tempat sampah saya.

Ternyata si Himalayan lusuh ini. Saya pernah kasih makan dia, tepat sehari sebelum postingan ini dibuat. It was clear to see that this cat was abandoned, or perhaps, abandoned and abused. I mean, he's a himalayan cat! Mana ada di Indonesia kucing ras hidup dijalanan kalo dia bukan kucing buangan? You know what I mean. Dia sebenernya kucing mahal, dan... selanjutnya paham lah ya.

To note that he doesn't meow. Saya ga paham dia itu apa emang dari kecil dibuang sampe ga bisa mengeong, atau dia punya trauma sampe akhirnya dia berenti ngeong, atau juga, dia dari orok emang ga bisa ngeong semacam tunawicara gitu. Allahualam, either he's mute or just quite.

Dan sebenernya kucing ini kucing penurut. Habis dia selesai makan sisa kulit ayam plus dry food, saya minta dia duduk nungguin saya. Dia gak kemana mana tuh. Saat dipanggil 'hei puss..' dia juga mau nengok. Walau sampai saat ini, dia masih belum mau untuk dielus.

I wish I could do something to make his life better. I've got constraints yang bikin saya ga bisa memahami si kucing lebih jauh. He's a good cat. Whatever had happened to him, I know Allah is watching him. Allah gonna make sure this cat get proper food, at least some food for the day.

Selain kucing ini, ada juga kucing keturunan ras lainnya yang hidup di jalan. Ngga seperti kucing kampung di komplek ini yang takutan sama manusia, kucing keturunan ras yang sudah saya temui ini ngerti dan ngga penakut. Mereka ramah, mau dielus, dan nurut. Sigh, semoga kecurigaan saya ini salah, bahwa dia juga kucing yang sengaja dibuang.

Today's lesson is, I will teach my kids to take real responsibility if they wanna have a pet; to take real good care for the pet. Cos pets are not pest. They're living creatures just like us human. They breathe, they have feelings, and eventually they'll die just like human. Bahkan Baginda Rasul berkata bahwa ada pahala pada setiap yang bernyawa. Ga ada salahnya kan, menyayangi kucing liar?

Si Himalayan yang mulai bisa santai dan enjoy

Karena saat kita menyayangi apa yang ada di bumi, mereka pun balik menyayangi kita.

Mau adopsi? Cari aja si kucing himalayan ini di Jalan Zaitun I Islamic Village, Karawaci, Tangerang. He's homeless, so he should be somewhere di jalan/depan rumah/depan kosan warga dekat sini.

DISCLAIMER

Post ini bukan bermaksuk sombong ataupun pamer. Murni hanya bermaksud untuk bercerita dan berbagi. Lebih untung lagi kalo sampe ada yang terinspirasi.

In Memoriam: Boy the Cat

Hi again.

Do you still remember the cat, black and white, angora, that I post a lot in this blog?

Yep, he's Boy Sitampan. The cat that I have always loved, remembered, and will always be dearly missed.

It has been 7 months since the last time I touched his fluffy fur, hug his fat belly, heard his soft meows, and saw his round yellow eyes.

Boy has gone. He's now happy up there. Yea. He told me so as he visited me once in my dream.

And how could I ever be so in love with a cat--you asked?

Because he's a very nice cat. 

You might not know it but he felt me the way I was. He was there when I cried. He put his paw to my cheek and just sat/slept next to me and let out his purrs that calmed me down. He understood me. One time when I was alone at home, I told him not to go out. He stayed. Another time when I was alone again at home and he needed to poo (he never liked to poo in the poo poo box. He always went outside), I begged him to not be long out there. Guess what, he returned exactly in no time.

Ah yea. When I was cooking in the kitchen and he always waited for me to finish cooking (before he took a food test on my cooking). When I was scared to sleep alone and I took him to my bedroom and he just rolled and slept next to me. When I called out his name and he ran to me. When I was sick and needed to have some bed rest and he had always been there. And his quick response whenever I said "susu" (milk). He just ran towards me and begged for real bowls of milk. Oh, he loved bear brand milk a lot he could finish two cans of it in a day.

He's just so special.

He's not a cat. He's a family member to me.

Boy as he curled up with me when I was sick.

The cat that demanded for milk so much.

His number one ability was to be lazy during the day and the night.

But how could I be so clueless when he was sick? He was so sick that he needed me to go home and saw him, pet him, just be with him like he had always done to me. And at that moment, I chose to be else where. I was thinking that it was for my future good. But not for his...

Mum told me as I was home that Boy meowed a lot as if he looked for me. He waited before the door, hoped that I would open the door and pour some milk to his bowl. I bet he expected me to give him food with my hand, he always liked that. He wanted me to see me, before he finally....

...gone.

Boy,

Percaya deh, kakak kangen banget sama Boy.

Kepengen lagi main sama Boy.

Mandiin Boy. Elus elus Boy. Suapin Boy.

Boy. Boyot. Boyopi. Boyoyo.

Apapun nama yang kakak panggil buat kamu,

Artinya cuma satu, Boy.

Kakak sayang sama Boyot.

Boy bukan kucing, Boy itu keluarga.

Boy,

Terima kasih atas segalanya.

Maafin kakak ngga bisa ngeliat Boy.

Kita ketemu lagi ya Boy.

Nanti, di surganya Allah.

Things Will Never Be The Same Again

It has been quite a long time for me to catch up on things and write again. I have been fed up with many things, they said that this is adulthood--facing something real. Like paying the credit card bills, paying your own rent, buying your own meals, working your a** off in order to pay the bills, the rent, and the food.

Well... the thing is, since May 2016 things won't be the same again. I am engaged. To a man who rarely ever be romantic to me. To a man who has never given me a damn real rose. To a man I have been dating with for the past three years.

My Dear God,

Make my choice is Your choice too.

It's been quite a while. Me and him had so much to go through until we finally ended up engaged. It wasn't full of happy moment with cheers and laugh. It wasn't all that sad cry-baby moments as well. We've gone through it. We made it. Until what we are now.

I admit it that he only does romantic at the very first of our date. I know that he never buys me single lovely red rose that every girl wishes and would keep until the petals are dried. I asked for a rose. Yet he has never intended to buy it for me, I think. He also barely ever holds my hand in public. No such thing is public displayed affection in his dictionary while he dates me. He didn't surprise me on my birthdays, he never gives me a cute-wrapped gifts to impress me. He doesn't call me love, or honey, or baby, or sweety, or any other sweet calls to bae.

I thought I needed those.

I thought I needed a rose, I thought I needed gifts wrapped with pink ribbons.

I never thought I would ever be needed his guidance. Moreover, his acceptance---

--of me. His acceptance of me. Me being me. I being who I am.

How could I ever be so selfish that after all this time I didn't realise what he has given me...?

He doesn't give me rose. But he pays meal for two. He doesn't give me cute-wrapped present in pink ribbon. He helped me to buy something I really want, instead. He doesn't do romance, but he thinks so much of my safety. He said I must not go home late. Girls aren't made to out at night, he said. Or that time when he visited me only to fix my motorcycle issues. That moment when he said my suit wasn't right for me, boys will think of me the other way if I had been in that suit. And when he was mad when I told him that I argued with some boys on the way home just because they didn't drive well. He was afraid if something ever happened to me. I mean, they were boys, and I'm just a girl.

Yes, he doesn't allow me to post something like all cute couples do on instagram, twitter, path, or any other social medias--you name it. "But why?" I asked him more than once. "Adults are not the way you think of. There are more real things to think of. Meaning, there are thing that is OK to share with people and there are things otherwise. And affection are for ourselves, nor for the world to watch.", he told me.

I asked him for surprises like lots of time. He never did give me once. But he has always been the number one person who wish on my birthdays. He would text me like every time to assure that I am getting well if I'm sick. He would text my mum to pick me up in kost (we live apart, Jakarta vs Tangerang) and take me to the hospital if I happen to be very sick and alone. He buys me some healthy drinks, only to make me feel better and warm...

Oh, how I have been busy with myself all along. I have been being a very demanding girlfriend so far. Yet he still can accept me.

Yes he does.

All those anger, all those don'ts, are for me. So I keep myself safe from any harm.

And I have never really thought of that.

My Dear God,

Bless us with Your love and cares.

Make us always falls in love over and over again. 

From now on, until our marriage.

From our marriage, until forever.

From forever, until You set us together again in Jannah.

Kalo Boleh Bercanda

Kalo boleh bercanda,

Tuhan pasti sedang geleng-geleng kepala ngeliat kelakuan gue. Mungkin Ybs lagi ngejitak gue saking keras kepalanya gue. Mungin Dia lagi ngedumel, "ni bocah udah Gue kasitauin ntar aja (atau gak bisa, atau bukan dia), masiiihh aja nangis nangis mewek minta mulu".

Yah, mungkin aja. Kalo boleh bercanda.

Dan kalo boleh bercanda,

Mungkin malaikat capek nulis di bukunya tentang nama yang gue sebut sebut mulu. Mungkin tadi pas gue berdoa dia nulis sambil ngebatin, "ah elah. Lu lagi lu lagi nama yang ni bocah sebut".

Kali aja sih. Kalo boleh bercanda.

Tapi mau gimana lagi. Gue sendiri bingung. Mau pasrah gitu aja tapi kok gimanaaa gitu rasanya. Soalnya Tuhan pernah janji katanya kalo minta sama Dia, akan dikabulin. Terus, doa itu bisa ngubah takdir. Jadilah gue dengan keras kepala dan keinginan gue berdoa dan minta mulu sama Tuhan.

Perjalanan emang panjang banget. Gak mulus. Banyak kerikil, jalan rusak, polisi tidur. Tapi itu semua gue jalanin. Terus jalanin. Walau kadang mikir, apa ini semua setimpal dengan apa yang bakal gue dapet di kemudian hari. Hmm. Dibilang gambling ya bukan, tapi dibilang bukan hasilnya ngga pasti juga. And at this point I am so afraid if the result would be anything disappointed.

Kalo boleh bercanda,

Tuhan mungkin lagi senyum senyum nantangin gue, apa gue bisa bertahan dalam perjalanan ini. Apa gue bisa tahan banting untuk sesuatu yang gue idamkan. Untuk menuju ke ujung terowongan dimana ada balon balon, pelangi, dan tulisan di awan yang bilang "Congratulations for passing the test!".

Kalo emang beneran,

Yaudah, gue ambil tantangan itu.
Tuhan pasti akan ngedengerin dan nepatin janjiNya, mengabulkan doa gue.

Kali ini bukan bercanda, karena gue yakin, Allah akan mengabulkan doa dan permohonan gue--if I try a lil bit harder. Which I will.